I Would Never Wear That (and other lies I've told)...

I recently purchased a pair of skinny jeans. Now, they're not über-skinny, it's-difficult-to-sit-down jeans, but they are cut pretty narrowly in the calves and have fairly small openings at the ankle. Two years ago they definitely fell into my "I would never wear that" category. Yet, phrases I utter that begin with "I would never" tend to come back to haunt me...

I've struggled this year with discerning what is appropriate pastor-wear and what isn't. Though I'm not in full-time ministry yet, I've served as a pastoral intern, a college chaplain, and a hospital chaplain, and each has had its own unspoken dress code. The college position was by far the easiest - jeans, fleeces, sweatshirts, pretty much whatever. When I was preaching I'd usually go for some khakis or a casual skirt, but nothing over the top. When the college ministry students would see me dressed up to teach (I taught on the same campus where I interned as a chaplain, and for that I'll often wear collared shirts, suits, or pressed dress pants), they would often do a double take.

At the hospital I learned that suits communicate power and stand-offishness, while softer things like sweaters made me more approachable. Have you ever hugged someone in a suit? I would always hug my dad when he came home from work in a suit, but it was always nicer to hug him fifteen minutes later when he was in a t-shirt and jeans. I found this summer that people really hesitate to cry on your shoulder if you're in a suit, even if you're standing by the hospital bed of their dying loved one, and even if the suit is a fairly cheap off-the-rack model from TJ Maxx.

There's a great blog called "Beauty Tips for Ministers" that's been helpful in this regard (thanks, Marie!). The author writes about what is appropriate for certain scenarios (from a freezing-cold internment -- you're going to need snow boots but they'd better be professional, to a roasting hot day at the beach -- cover-ups are your friend, but it's okay to swim with everyone else!) without running toward masculinization. Because this is tempting. Most of the pastors I've seen and worked with have been men, and for them it's awfully easy. They basically have three options: Suit, khakis and a top, or jeans and a top. As long as they steer clear from sandals and bermuda shorts, they always look good.

But what about us women in ministry? How much makeup is too much? How little makes it look like we're trying too hard to be "in the world but not of it"? What is appropriate to wear when we're off work? Do I have to give up my two-piece bathing suit days forever when I'm ordained, even if I'm vacationing in Florida? Are knee-high boots ridiculously distracting or polished and professional? What trends can I follow and which ones should I ignore?

Of course I want to be professional and modest, but I also don't want to be frumpy and boring, or to ignore any sense of style. My CPE supervisors were really helpful in this regard. They both hit a beautiful balance between being professional, being themselves, and staying feminine, and they gave us two basic rules: 1) No jeans. 2) Experiment and see what works. It was wonderful to be given the opportunity to try new things, while knowing that my fellow chaplains would help to guide me if I was wearing something out of line. Some of my fellow chaplains experimented with gusto; others seemed to already understand what worked best for them. I learned a great deal through trial and error (i.e. don't wear scarves, they can end up dangling over bad, infectious places...), but I'm still experimenting, and probably will be for awhile. I tend to be ultra conservative when it comes to things that may not be appropriate (leaving most of my dangling earrings stuck at home), which is definitely the right side to err on, but I also don't want to miss out on dressing like "me" for the next decades of my life. And I really don't want to dress older than I am... Plenty of time to dress like I'm 40 when I am. Any helpful tips, those of you serving in ministry? Any disaster stories I can learn from?

Anyway, back to things I will "never" do. Here are the things I have done in the past three years that I said I would "never" do:

1. Buy (and wear) skinny jeans.

2. Buy (and wear) knee-high boots.

3. Date/marry Daryl (this caused no end of amusement to my family when he and I first started dating... "But didn't you say...?")

4. Go to seminary to become a pastor.

5. Actually enjoy reading literary theory.

6. Actually enjoy eating the following: salmon, guacamole, Mexican food, and broccoli

7. Give up the following: bread, pastries, and any other gluten-filled foods

8. Enjoy working in a hosptial.

Some of these are signs of growth, others seem to be signs that God has a good sense of irony... This list also makes me quite afraid of what will happen on my current "I will never..." list:

1. Move back to New Jersey

2. Have more than two children

3. Wear leggings as pants (unless I'm running a marathon...)

Yikes.

What's on your list?