Lent and Marriage

When I tell people that Daryl and I are spending the year apart, I get a whole variety of reactions. Most of my female friends are instantly sympathetic.

“Ohhhh… how difficult!” they say. “That must be so hard! How do you manage it?” This is by far the most common reaction. Other reactions have included:

“Well, that must be kind of nice, right? I mean, you can just do whatever you want with your free time then, can't you?” This was from an unmarried male friend, who clearly did not know what he was talking about for two reasons. #1. I can still do whatever I want with my free time when I am living with Daryl. Often what I want to do is spend that time with him. Now that I’m in Jersey and he’s in Tennessee, often I still want to spend that time with him, but can’t. This stinks. #2. It isn’t “kind of nice.” It’s kind of crappy. The thing about being married to someone is that you usually really like them. And want to, you know, live with them. I was at least relieved that this comment came from an unmarried male friend, not a married one...

The skeptic look is my favorite response. The “What? WHY?” face combined with the subtle raised-eyebrow nuance of “Is your marriage okay?” and the skeptical “I’m glad I’m not you!” nod. I'll admit, this would probably be my response if I wasn't the one in this situation. And at points during this year, Daryl and I have both asked ourselves and each other the question: Are we crazy?

This question comes up even more now that we're coming to the apex of this separation. While we expected it to get easier the closer we got to being permanently reunited, it's actually gotten harder. On top of missing each other right now, there's the cumulative effect of missing one another over the past seven months, too. It's exhausting at times. Don't get me wrong, we're making it through okay, but it is hard. And it's been long. And the end will be a welcome sight.

It feels appropriate, somehow, that the most difficult season of our 9-month geographical separation falls during Lent. Lent always catches me a bit off guard. After the wonderful craziness of Christmas and the busy start of a new semester, I always look up mid-February and realize, "Oh my goodness, Ash Wednesday is... tomorrow!" And then I have a few moments of feeling like a bad Christian, which is tempered by the fact that I'm a Presbyterian and we don't really do as much Lent as other traditions. But we do some Lent. And after several years of adding in Lenten practices to my life for a season, I know the difficulty and joy that Lent brings. Discipline is hard. Giving up things is hard. But Jesus always manages to meet me in the midst of this season, and because of that I have grown to love Lent.

This is Central Park last February. Everything is hibernating, asleep, and cold. This is how I feel at the start of Lent (and during much of the Lenten season) every year. It's cold and dreary outside. I'm tired of my classes, weary of my job, cold and worn out and irritable. I am an Easter girl, not a Lenten one.

Yet one of the things I love about Lent is that it's all about human weakness. When we go to church on Ash Wednesday and have ashes smudged on our foreheads we are reminded by the minister, pastor, or priest to "Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return." We give up chocolate or alcohol or red meat and this makes us cranky and hungry and we suddenly realize that we are not as in control of our bodies as we would like to believe. Once during a Lenten season when I gave up baked goods (pre-gluten-free days, of course), I remember getting into a totally unnecessary fight with Daryl. This particular fight was all my fault, and after we had gone around in circles arguing for awhile, I finally climbed up into his lap, burst into tears, and exclaimed, "I just need a BROWNIE!!!" Human weakness, indeed

But the purpose of Lent isn't to remember how weak and crappy we are just so that we can properly feel miserable about ourselves. The purpose of Lent is to remind us that we need Jesus. Desperately. Completely. Fully and indescribably. We are dust. He is God. We are broken and small; he is mighty and compassionate.

A Wheaton professor of mine once remarked that the point of fasting during Lent is not to prove to ourselves how good and holy we are. It's to fail in our attempts and realize our utter weakness. We strive to be obedient to the Lord, and yet we are reduced to bundles of cravings after giving up something so small as one meal or one type of food. It's to remind us daily how much we need our Lord in all things, the small as well as the big.

Lent is dark and cold and often lonely. I chafe against the disciplines I am trying to instill in myself daily, the Scripture reading that I often put off until midnight, the Internet surfing I am trying to cut down upon (I haven't given up any food or drink items for Lent this year because I'm still learning how to give up gluten, and that's challenge enough). I am tired and worn and cranky. But Lent helps me remember, despite the busyness of my days and the noisiness of my life, that I am dust.

 

 At the end of this season comes spring. And Easter. Glorious Easter. Where we remember that we are dust, but that we serve a God who created humanity out of the dust, who saves us from our brokenness, and who defeated the powers of sin and suffering that we struggle against each day. Daryl always half-teases me that I am too quick to run to Easter. This is true. I like happy and bright and bubbly and cheerful. I am an Easter girl, not a Lent girl. And because of this, I continue to strive to learn about Lent by walking the road of Lenten discipline. The sadness and stillness of meeting Jesus in Lent helps me be a better chaplain and pastor, a more compassionate minister of the Gospel, and a softer and gentler person. I am an Easter girl, but many people around me are Lenten people, and I have much to learn from them. Christ is risen, but Christ also suffered and died. Both are true. Both are important.

Yet I cannot help but look toward the tiny light at the end of the Lenten tunnel even now. Christ suffered and died, but this is not the end. At the end of this season comes spring. And Easter. And the beginning of daily life with Daryl once again. At long, long last.

Amen and amen.

Snow Day Take Two: Dream House Edition I

Well, I'm snowed in again. This isn't as fun as it would be on, say, a Monday, since I don't have any classes or work today anyway. Just lots of reading, editing, and studying. But it is fun to look out the window and see everyone's cars buried.

In honor of the snow day, and the soon-to-come celebration Daryl and I are planning when we're officially back together (hint: it may involve Disneyland), I've decided to start looking at pictures of rooms and decorations, in hopes of planning the colors and ideas of the new place we'll live in Nashville. We're not sure yet if it will be an apartment or a small house, but we do know three things:

1) We will be painting the walls. All of them. Beautiful colors. After four years living in campus dorms and houses at Wheaton, one year in an apartment building that didn't allow painting, and three years in Princeton Seminary housing, we are sick of white walls. They make us feel institutionalized. And sad. And bored. My life needs COLOR, and lots of it.

2. The place we live will have good natural light. This is Daryl's only requirement. He loves light like a mouse loves cheese. He needs light like bacon needs eggs. The man's a natural light-loving fiend.

3. There will be a washer and dryer. Washing and drying clothes will not involve hiking down to a mold-infested, flooded basement full of spiders and insects. This is my only requirement (other than the painting).

We don't plan to buy much additional furniture, as we're pretty well stocked in that department. So in the spirit of using what we have and designing something beautiful, I've found these photos depicting interesting and beautiful rooms using our basic furniture:


Living room:

These are actually our exact couches. I love the warm gold walls with the red  couches, the beautiful colors of art on the back wall (though Daryl might nix the flowers and go for something more abstract), and the dark end tables. The curtains are beautiful, too, and I hope to be able to sew something like that soon. I wouldn't have thought to put the light-colored rug under the table, but I kinda like it. I'd either use that or the current rug we have with deeper browns, reds, and greens in it.









Bathroom:

 I know, I know, we probably won't have a super-modern-looking bathroom like this. But here I'm more interested in the color choices. After living with a bright pink bathroom (all the married apartments have them...) with several colors of pink (tile, tub, etc.), I'm about colored out in the bathroom department. I want the bathroom to be clean, simple, and soothing. When I wake up at 6am, grouchy and groggy, and stumble to the shower, I want it to communicate that this day will be okay. Also, I love the pale blue and tan. It feels like a spa to me.




The next edition will involve bedrooms and kitchens... Stay tuned...

Photos borrowed from c-thruwindows.com and terryfrank.net. 

Ten on... Thursday

Life has just gotten a bit crazy. Usually I have a few hours in my day to myself, but now that this semester has ramped up, I am running pretty hard all day. This, combined with finishing up my final documents for my readiness review at the Presbytery of Chicago in a couple of weeks, polishing a sermon for March 7, looking around for jobs in Nashville, rehearsing the spring play at the seminary, and teaching a course at Rider that I haven't taught in two years makes for a busy girl. So those are my excuses as to why this blog has begun to be a bit sparse. It's my intention to post every day. But... hey. Sometimes not.

Anyway, my ten questions:

1. Do you know any famous people?

I know Jinelle Zaugg-Siergiej, an Olympic hockey player who will have either a gold or a silver (but my money's on gold!) medal by 9pm EST tonight. She's newly famous, and handling it well.

I know Evan Dollard, winner of a season of American Gladiators. He was the head lifeguard at Silver Birch Ranch summer camp when I worked there for a summer. Really nice guy, solid Christian, and a face made for television. If there was one person I knew who I would expect to be on a sports-related reality television show, it's Evan (well, Evan and Jinelle's two older brothers).

Other than that I know quite a few sort-of-famous folks. The professor I work as a T.A. for is a Shakespearean actor who's been in some movies (he's on IMDB - that's pretty stinkin' cool). One of the men from the Bible study Daryl and I led in Burbank has been on Law & Order. I once walked right by Jude Law in New York City and Justin Chambers (of Grey's Anatomy fame) at the Getty in Los Angeles. That's about it. Living in Wisconsin the most famous person you ever come across is the fishing guide, Joe Bucher. And yes, he's a big deal.

2. What's the strangest thing you've ever eaten?
I am a fussy eater. I'm getting better (in part due to the whole gluten-free thing where my options are limited...), but I'm still more picky than most. I don't think I've ever eaten anything considered strange, unless you count a pound of cotton candy all in one sitting... Yeah, I guess that's not normal.

3. What's one thing you want so much in life that you're almost afraid to hope for it?
To be a pastor. After this whole seminary journey with all its ups, downs, and unpaid internships, I'm almost afraid to hope that I'll actually be able to fulfill my vocational calling in some capacity in the near future. Really? This was all going somewhere?

4. What's your favorite thing about your significant other?
Everything. He's just the best. Today my favorite thing is his voice over the phone. It's comforting, even from hundreds of miles away. I also like that he cooks and cleans. And that he's tall. I like tall.

5. How many extra hours in a day do you need?
I'm always convicted about how I use my days... I have the same number of hours as everyone else, the same number of hours in a day given to all of us by God to use and rest in. I'm trying to find a balance between frantically doing things all day or recovering from my frantic doing for most of the next. Still working on that one.

6. What is the best magazine to read on a plane?
Anything celebrity gossip-y. Nothing helps pass the time like what Catherine Zeta-Jones is wearing or learning that pink is the new black. I've given up celebrity gossip for Lent, though, so I don't know the answers to life's deep questions anymore right now. You'll have to ask someone else who Mary-Kate Olson is dating.

7. What's your favorite article of clothing?
I love my black fleece. It is getting old and kinda ratty, but it just makes me feel so safe and happy and warm. It's my go-to when I'm getting over a cold or headed out for a long day of class in the snow.

8. Will you ever be famous yourself?
I can hear in my head how Megan would answer this ("No, but I may be infamous!"). I hope not. I want to live a meaningful, grounded life. Also, the paparazzi would drive me nuts. I never want to lose the freedom to leave the house for groceries without selecting the right shade of eyeliner. Or any makeup at all. Or matching socks.

9. What's one random thing that you're afraid of?
Librarians.

10.  What's one thing you wish you could change about your house or apartment? 
Just one? Today I wish our apartment building's basement didn't have three inches of standing water in it. And TONS of mold (which is probably giving me cancer as we speak). I can't do laundry until the water recedes or I'll electrocute myself, and I'm running low on socks. And pants.


Don't forget to watch Jinelle's team play Canada tonight at 6:00pm on MSNBC! I don't get this channel (BOO, NBC! programmers! Booooooo!), so I'm heading out to a local restaurant with some seminary friends. We will be cheering from New Jersey!

Ten on Tuesday (Take Four)

It's one in the morning, and I should totally go to sleep, but I had a meeting tonight until 10:30pm, and so I missed the Olympics. And NBC airs their prime time coverage again from 12:45-4am. This is potentially really bad... It's good the Olympics only come once every two years, or I'd be a much more sleep deprived girl... How can a person sleep when there is SPEED SKATING?!?! I'm also trying to satiate some of my Olympics voyeurism now, since I don't get MSNBC (and thus, can't watch the next two women's hockey games... grrrr...).

Also, while I'm ranting on NBC, let me say three things:

1. Air the darned hockey games on network or at least basic cable. All of them. I don't care if it's 4am; I'll watch.

2. Enough with the awkward Dick Button/Bob Costas/other random oldish guy talking head rambles in the arm chairs. They're boring. Also, the arm chair fireplace scene is just awkward. And boring.

3. Stop showing the first pairs skaters early and then waiting three hours to show the rest. Not all the world has TiVo, and not all the world has enough time to watch four hours of television. Showing the skaters all together adds intensity and suspense. You know, like it's all the same event or something, and it matters who wins. Honestly...

On to Ten on Tuesday:

1. What's your favorite midnight snack?

A bowl of cereal. Cereal's always been my comfort zone. When I was home over Christmas break I realized where I get this - my dad is a serial cereal-eater. Though now I just finished a piece of gf cornbread and some chocolate milk. Mmmm...

2. Do you eat junk food everyday?

Sigh... Yes. I do. I thought that everyone did, until I was hanging out with some friends over spring break last year. One of them noticed me rifling through my purse for some candy, which I then popped in my mouth. 

"You really like candy, don't you?" she asked. I nodded. "Do you eat some every day?" she asked. I nodded. 

"Don't you?" I asked. The question seemed really odd to me. She wasn't a health nut or anything.

"Nope." 

That was the first time in my then-26 years of life that I realized not everyone eats at least a tiny bit of junk every day. Definitely no one in my family (extended family included) goes an entire day without a handful of M & Ms or popcorn or a scoop of ice cream. We eat plenty of healthy things. We're not junk food-aholics (well, my candy-addicted sister Caroline may be the exception to this), but we do like a little taste of something tasty every day. That's why dessert was invented, right?

3. What is the one, single food that you would never give up?

Garlic mashed potatoes. Mmmm... My sister's husband Jared makes the most amazing version of these.

4. What is your weirdest "quirk"?

That sounds more like a question for Daryl. Do we ever know what our own weirdest quirk is? Probably the hours I keep when I'm left to myself without a roommate or husband. When I don't have anything to get up for early in the morning I'll stay up until 3am and sleep in until 10 or 11am. See tonight's example, for instance... I realize this is not normal (or very healthy) for someone my age. Time to be a grown-up, Courtney. After the Olympics, though. Really.

I also would always rather read a paperback book than a hardback one. Occasionally people give me really nice hardback books as gifts, and my inner response is usually, "Uh... this is hard to read." I do 99% of my pleasure reading on a plane, a beach, or in bed before I fall asleep. Novels are easy to hold; hardback books are cumbersome. They also feel too pretentious to me. If I can't underline or write in the margins, I need a less fussy form of book.

5. What's your favorite movie?

Miracle. You can't be a hockey fan and not like Miracle. One of my favorite things about it (besides the fact that it is so true to the original story) is that most of the team was played by hockey players trained to act rather than actors trained to play hockey. The skills are all there, and it's great to watch. Also, how amazing is Kurt Russel at becoming Herb Brooks? Holy cow. It was so accurate it was eerie. And awesome.

6. What was your favorite toy as a kid?

I had an old wooden rocking horse with a yarn mane that I named "Hazel Horse" (my grandparents lived in a town called Hazelhurst, which I'm sure was my inspiration). I probably logged a thousand rocking miles on that horse. I also had a yellow teddy bear named "Yellow Bear" (not that creative, I'll admit) and a pink fluffy one named "Snuggle Bear." One was skinny and one was fat, and they went everywhere with me. I still have them back at my parents' house, and though they're both very worn and missing lots of stuffing, their smell still brings me back to childhood. I loved those bears. We had lots of adventures.

7. Do you like school?

I must like it at least a little bit; I'm currently in my 20th year of it...

8. What do you think is the most useless class in high school?

Health class. Teenagers already know how to wash their hands, thanks. Plus, if they're addicted to junk food a lecture on the food pyramid is certainly not going to change anything (see question one...).

9. What's your favorite day of the year?

Christmas. And then Easter. The older I get the more I fall in love with Easter. It just doesn't get better than remembering that Christ is risen!

10. Last person you argued with?

I had a very small mini-argument (a discussion, really) with the professor who is directing the seminary's spring play. I play a character who has a lengthy and flirtatious encounter with a soldier. During this encounter I am holding a 15-pound goose in a bag (long story - come see The Caucasian Chalk Circle at the seminary on April 8, 9, 10, or 11, and it will all make sense). I wanted to put the goose down to flirt (I don't feel all that flirtatious while holding a massive goose), but I was overruled by both the director and the soldier with whom I am flirting. In retrospect, they were right and I was wrong. It's awkward to put the goose down, so I'll hold that massive goose, darn it. 

Alrighty, on to watching the Olymp--... wait, seriously? Did they just tell me who placed where in the men's downhill? BEFORE showing it? So now there's no point in watching? Brilliant, NBC. 

I'm off to bed. 

Vancouver Vicariously

My sister Caitlyn made it safely into Vancouver and is enjoying cheering on our friend Jinelle and her team! USA beat China 12-1 yesterday!

Here are some photos from Cait's trip (some were taken by the Zaugg family and posted on Jinelle's blog here, and some are from Cait's Facebook). She's in her final trimester, so she can't stay for the final week of the Olympics, but she'll see the first three games! She had to get special permission from her doctor to travel up there. Now that's a good friend. Of course, it's not every day your best friend plays hockey in the Olympics!

Cait has met tons of Olympic athletes (including gymnastics gold medalist Shawn Johnson, who apparently was a bit cranky about having her picture taken) and Jinelle's gotten to play hockey in front of VP Biden, meet Governor Arnold, and take her photo with Shawn White (who reportedly was a really friendly guy in person).

Next game is Tuesday afternoon on MSNBC. Anyone in Jersey have this channel and want to be my friend? :)

Valentine's Day from Far Away

It's Valentine's Day! Yay!

It's Valentine's Day, my husband lives in Tennessee, and I live in New Jersey! NOT yay! The OPPOSITE of yay! Booooooooo!

Luckily I've never been much of a huge Valentine's Day fan. In college I used to get kind of depressed and wear all black (granted, I was usually single at the time). It's a pretty silly commercial holiday. It makes single people feel extra alone, and makes couples feel the need to spend money on tacky junk.

It also falls quite soon after both Christmas and our anniversary, so I'm kind of on candy-and-gifts overload by February 14. I know, I know, who knew this could happen to me, but it does. Granted, I still love receiving my annual Valentine's Day package from Mom and Dad (and this years contained a USA Hockey shirt signed by Jinelle! Now I'm a real fan!), but I feel no pressure to celebrate this holiday to its fullest. So I'm not as sad today as I would be if I was alone on my birthday. Birthdays are SERIOUS. In fact, I'm not really sad at all. But I do miss Daryl a bit more today than I do on normal days... Tennessee is just so darned FAR.

Still, if this year has taught us anything, it's that staying maritally close when we're geographically far does take work but it's infinitely worth it. So we've learned to be creative.

Therefore, we planned a Valentine's Day together even though we're far apart. What can I say? I have a really sweet, wonderful husband. Our Valentine's Day celebration consisted of the following:

1. Going to church (1st Pres., Moorestown - me, The Village, Nashville - Daryl)
2. Watching Team USA Women's Hockey annihilate the Chinese team 12-1 (me).
3. Napping (Daryl - who didn't get the hockey channel).
4. Cooking the same dinner in two different states.
5. Skyping during our romantic dinner.
6. Opening sweet Anniversary/Valentine's Day cards we wrote to one another.
7. Looking forward to seeing one another on Thursday for a long weekend. Looking soooo forward to it. Last time I saw Daryl I was still suffering from the February death-virus, and our visit looked a lot like this:

Daryl: Morning, sweetheart. How are you feeling?
Me: (Grrrraarrrrrppphhh, sniffle.)

(later)

Daryl: Are you going to get up? It's almost one in the afternoon.
Me: (Mrrrrph, sniffle. Groan.) Yes, I'll get up.
Daryl: Great! What do you want to do?
Me: Take some Tylenol Cold and go back to bed.
Daryl: Okay...
Me: No, wait!
Daryl: (hopeful) What?
Me: Can you turn on a movie for me?

(much later)

Daryl: Do you want anything to eat? I'm going to make dinner.
Me: (Sniffle, sniffle). Sure.
Daryl: What sounds good?
Me: Sprite.
Daryl: Sprite? Anything else?
Me: More Tylenol.

Nothing like traveling hundreds of miles to see my dearest love and not even being able to have a conversation with him, I was so out of it. It was really sad.

But now I am well and I am only five days away from seeing him again and proving that I am more than just a sniffly, snuffly, Kleenex-toting entity. It will be sweet indeed.

Since I haven't posted a recipe in awhile, here's our tasty (and gluten-ous free-ous) Valentine's Day Dinner:

Cabernet Beef Roast (pre-marinated from Trader Joe's)
* Pan sear in a frying pan on each side with a little olive oil.
* Bake at 375 degrees for about an hour
Mashed Sweet Potatoes 
 * Bake 4 sweet potatoes for 1 hour
 * Remove potatoes, peel and mash
 * Mix in 1/4 c. butter, 1/2 c. milk, 1/3 c. maple syrup, and 1 t. salt
 * Bake in a small casserole dish for 45 minutes
Roasted Broccoli
 * Toss broccoli in 2 t. olive oil
 * Add 1/2 t. salt and 1/2 t. pepper
 * Bake in oven at 400 degrees until broccoli is slightly tender (15ish minutes)
  *Sprinkle with lemon juice (optional)
 Corn Bread
 * Courtesy of Pamela's oh-so-helpful baking and pancake mix. The recipe is here.


Dessert was going to be Trader Joe's flourless chocolate cake, which is completely amazing and supposedly doesn't contain gluten ingredients (or at least didn't back in August...). I was overeager and ate a small slice yesterday. BIG mistake. Enormous tummy aches followed. So dessert is probably the sorbet I still have in my freezer from the February illness-of-death...
 
So happy Valentine's Day all you married folks. And all you engaged folks. And all you single folks. Eat some chocolate, give someone a hug, and start looking forward to Easter. Now there's a holiday!

Senioritis... for the Fourth Time

I've been a senior several times. A high school senior. A college senior. My master's degree in English was just one calendar year, but by the summer courses my fellow students and I had quite the dose of senioritis. Now I'm a senior in seminary, fulfilling my last class obligations before heading out into the non-academic world for the first extended time in my whole life. The last time I wasn't a student (minus the one year I took off to work), I was five years old.

This is one of the libraries I get to study in during my time at the seminary. Senioritis or no, I will miss the gorgeousness of Princeton's campuses.

But what does my current senioritis bring with it? Well, panic, for one thing. My final review at my Presbytery is in late March, after which I will (Lord willing) be ready for ordination. My fellow PC(USA) seminarians have already begun looking for "calls" (the Presbyterian-ish word for "ministry jobs") throughout the U.S. I'll admit that I'm a bit jealous of their freedom to look all over the country. I know people who have interviewed for positions in Iowa and then turned right around to send in an application to California. Being limited to the Nashville area (where there don't appear to be many available ministry jobs at the moment) is, well, limiting. And panic-inducing.

This panic isn't ever-present, but in my worst moments I feel it quite strongly. A month or so ago I called Daryl in tears, exclaiming with great passion: "I don't want to be an administrative assistant again! I haaaaate filing things!" Mind you, I'm not above that kind of work (I've done it off and on for many, many years). It's just that I've trained with one specific goal in mind for years: ministry. And the possibility that it may take awhile for that to come to fruition can be quite disheartening.

Of course, it's just February. I still have a lot of time to look, and there is still a lot of time for a dream job to open up. And those friends of mine who are already being offered jobs all over the country are very, very dedicated and qualified folks who happen to have very flexible spouses who are able to move anywhere they like. They will be great pastors, and I'm excited for each of them.

Indeed, things are going pretty well for me, despite my current case of senioritis and my moments of panic. It's true that I'm limited to looking for jobs in Nashville because of Daryl's PhD commitments, but because of Daryl's stipend we are in no danger of starving or ending up on the street. I also love Nashville, and though it's difficult to have such a small job market to explore, it's a great place to live. It's a great city full of kind southern folks, amazing musicians, and vibrant churches. I can't wait to live there (least of all because Daryl lives there...). For the next two years we'll have health insurance regardless of whether or not I find a job, and this is a huge blessing. It also makes my occasional "I-don't-have-any-job-possibilities-yet" freak-outs a bit overdramatic, as we're in no tremendous financial danger and no matter what happens on the job front we'll finally be back together in one place.

Yet, when I'm perfectly honest with myself, I realize that what I truly fear is not being without a job, or needing months or years to find a ministry position. What I truly fear is a lack of purpose. I've been running after the academic carrot of one degree after another for so long that I'm afraid I'll feel a little bit aimless when that carrot is gone. I've also been training for the ministry for so long that now I'm dying to do ministry. I want to give my heart and soul to the work of the church. All day. Every day. Full time. But it's quite possible that this dream may take awhile. And in the meantime I'm not sure what I'll do.

I came across a prayer written by Trappist monk Thomas Merton on this blog today (thanks, Tonia!). It's titled "A Prayer for Abandonment." I don't feel abandoned, exactly, but I do feel nervous about the months ahead, and about whether a ministry job will ever be waiting for me. This prayer echoes my heart during these final months of seminary. For those of you facing transitions in your own lives, I hope it helps. Take heart - there is always a new day tomorrow, and the Lord is faithful even when we don't quite know the way.

My Lord God,
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself,
and that I think I am following your will
does not mean I am actually doing so.

But I believe the desire to please you
does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all I am doing.

I hope I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know if I do this
you will lead me by the right road
though I may know nothing about it.

I will trust you always
though I may seem to be lost
and in the shadow of death.

I will not fear,
for you will never leave me
to face my perils alone.

Amen.

Snow Day

I've never seen snow like this. I grew up in Wisconsin and have lived in Illinois. I have family in Minnesota and Michigan. And I've never seen snow like this. It's snowed over a foot in 12 hours and it's still a whiteout outside. So what to do, when class and work are canceled and it's much too treacherous to leave the immediate area for activities? PLAY!!!

Thanks to Lana, who had the idea for a grand apartment complex snowman tour (there are probably fifteen different ones in our two-block area). As everyone who lives out here is a part of the seminary community, these are some crazily creative snow folks.

 

 The enormous snowman in my front yard built by my apartment neighbors. Almost a whole story tall! It's totally going to flood our basement in about a week when this all melts, but isn't it cute?

  

The back of the monstrous man of snow. 

  

The folks across the street took the challenge. This is them diligently working on an even bigger version of the one in my yard.  

  

The Leaning-Tower-of-Pisa version. 

  

The Wisconsin version (Badger and Packer apparel included!). 

  

The Pottery Barn version. It's hard to see in this photo, but this one even has a sculpted Casper-like face. Classy. 

  

The Tree-Hugger Snowman. Both twig arms wrapped around the tree. This one also sports an adorable cartoonish nose. 

  

Cambria and Lana Snowpeople. 

  

Our version. In all the seminary there was not one snow woman. We took it upon ourselves to remedy this. 

  

Isn't she lovely? We dubbed her Snowfia. Notice the tiara?

 By the end of our excursion the blizzard had started up again, so no doubt Snowfia will put on a few pounds before morning...

Thanks for sharing your photos, Kelly!

Olympic Hockey - Cheer for Jinelle!

My sister Caitlyn's best friend (and a friend of my family and me for years and years) Jinelle Zaugg-Siergiej is an incredible hockey player. She's so good, in fact, that she is up in Vancouver preparing for the Olympics with Team USA! Our whole town is super proud of her.

This photo is of Mom and I hanging out with her in Madison when we were down there for a Badger's game a couple of years ago.

I played on Jinelle's hockey team growing up. Caitlyn and I played for several years with Jinelle and her older sister Jessie. We even won a couple of state championships together. She was also WAY better than I was when she was nine years old and I was twelve... She was probably already taller than me by that point, too. She's always been an incredible athlete.

Anyway, Jinelle has worked incredibly hard to be where she is, playing hockey at the University of Wisconsin-Madison for four years and training day in and day out. She got married this summer and has had to spend a great deal of time apart from her husband, Mike, while she continues to travel for games. I feel her pain on that one, though I'm not doing something quite as cool as playing for the Olympics while being separated from my husband. So look for the extra-tall player (she's 6'0"), #27, and cheer for her when you cheer for Team USA!

Here's a link to her blog, where you can see videos of the Olympic village, photos of all the sweet team gear she's been given, and updates on her game schedule. It's pretty cool to be able to see inside the athletes' village, and she's started leaving some video updates on the blog recently. Apparently the dining hall has loads of food and all of it's free! Here's her blog: Jinelle Zaugg-Siergiej

Leave her comments if you visit; I know they'd be encouraging to her as she continues working hard for a medal. And look for her in the opening ceremonies on Friday night!

My sister Caitlyn leaves for Vancouver in a couple days, too. After growing up with Jinelle she couldn't miss an opportunity to cheer her on in person! We weren't sure whether or not she'd be able to go since she's quite pregnant, but the doctor cleared her last week to fly so all is well. And hey, if she has the baby a few weeks early in Canada, it's free, right? Plus, then she should name it Olympia. Or Jinelle.

So look for Jin on the ice and Caitlyn (+ big belly, + huge supportive Zaugg family) in the stands.

Go USA hockey!

Ten on Tuesday (Take Three)

Today's questions are from the Villanovan, Villanova's college newspaper. Hey, if I can't get questions from Megan (who is currently traipsing through Spain and undoubtedly too busy for blogging), I have to find them someplace else!

1 .Where is the strangest place you've ever fallen asleep?
When I was about five years old I went out to dinner with my parents. It was late at night, I had had a long day, and I was totally wiped out. A few minutes into dinner I fell asleep with my face squarely in my plate of mashed potatoes.

2.Who is the last person you spoke to on the phone?
Daryl. We talk every night before we go to sleep, even if the day is to full and busy for a good phone call. It helps both of us to feel grounded and connected, and the sense of routine is helpful, too. We pray together for the day and week ahead, and talk through how our days went. I prefer doing the daily debrief in person, of course, but for now this will have to do. Probably 75% of my phone calls are to and from Daryl.

3. What are your summer plans?
I wish I knew. Daryl and I are considering taking a much needed break, putting all our stuff into one of those storage pods (anyone ever used those? are they any good?) and spending a month or two with my parents in Wisconsin before we officially move to Nashville. He has reading to do over the summer, but he can do that anywhere, and unless I find a job in the next few months I will likely be free as a bird for the first time since... well, kindergarten, really! Just the thought of sitting by our lake, hanging out with my family, and reading some good novels makes me relax a little. I've been running very hard (2-3 part-time jobs while a full-time student) for the past three years, and I could definitely use a short breather before picking back up my baton. So this is my hope, at this point, though I'd certainly love to start a ministerial job in the near future.

4. Where is your favorite place to eat on campus?
I pretty much eat at home now, because of the whole gluten-free thing. But I love the Chipotle just off Vanderbilt's campus when I'm visiting Daryl. Mmmm... If you avoid the flour tortillas and the medium salsa, everything else is gluten free!

5. What was your first pet?
A black lab named Dusty. He was my parents' before I was born. He was a sweet dog, but got pretty cranky by the time I was old enough to remember him. He was reeeeallly old by then. I also had a little white mouse named Harrison and a short-lived gecko named Elvis.

6. What was your first Halloween costume?
Mom and Dad dressed me like a clown when I was too young to remember (or stop them...). I know I was a tiger when I was about five years old because we still have the newspaper clipping of me in my tiger outfit at the town's Halloween party. In the picture I am cheating at a game where you are supposed to eat an apple that hangs on a string without using your hands. I think I won, though, so it was all good.

7. What did you have for breakfast?
A strawberry yogurt. It was a sleep-in-and-bolt-for-the-car type morning.

8. If you could eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Watermelon. I'm incapable of being sated in the watermelon department. I could eat a whole one every single day.

9. If you could trade lives with any person for one day, who would it be and why?
I'd love to spend a day at the Olympics in my sister Caitlyn's shoes (she leaves Friday for Vancouver to watch our friend Jinelle play for USA Women's hockey). Reaching even farther, I'd love to spend one day as an actress on Broadway. If Les Mis was still playing, I'd love to be Fantine (provided I got the actor's voice in the trade and could sing well enough to be passable!). She's still one of my favorite characters of all time.

10. Do you collect anything?
Dust bunnies... No, not really. I buy lots of amazing novels, but I almost always give them away. When I really love a book I want other people to be able to read it, too. So now when I want to reread them I hunt for awhile before remembering that I don't really collect these books, they just pass through my hands on the way to new readers.

This is a pretty boring post. Ah well, I had to start somewhere back from my horrible February death illness...

Thursday Recipes - Best Sorbet

I'm still sick, so I'm fudging this week's GF recipe. It's not even a recipe. It's just something tasty that happens to be gluten-free and good for sore throats and absolutely delicious.

Ben and Jerry's "Berried Treasure" lemon, blackberry, and blueberry sorbet. Soooo good. Can you beat lemon and blueberry together? I submit that you cannot!

Unhappy Hipsters

We all knew they were unhappy, didn't we?

Unhappy Hipsters

(Thanks, Tonia!)

Ten on Tuesday (Take Two)

The credit (again) for this idea goes to my friend Megan who is currently living it up in Edinburgh (I'm quite jealous of that, though I know the winter must be awfully long over there). She got the idea from her friend Kathleen who got it from someone else... Needless to say, this is not my original idea, nor is it hers, but it's fun, so I'm keeping it up. Also, today's list has 15 items, instead of the usual 10. I can't explain it, I'm just filling in the answers to lists made by the aforementioned women. Woot.

1. If you could change anything about your physical appearance, what would it be?
Wow. That's personal... Um... I've made a fair amount of peace with physical attributes I'm not crazy about. But I do miss those back and shoulder muscles I had when I used to rock climb four or five times a week. I still had them for our wedding, and they looked awesome. And bad-ass. But now they're only a nostalgic memory (as is the climbing, come to think of it).

You can almost see them in this picture... Gosh that was a great day!

I'd also like to be a couple of inches taller, but only if the top of my head could still nestle nicely under Daryl's chin when he hugs me. 'Cause that's the best.

2. Is there a habit in others that you find annoying?
I hate it when people can't say what they want, but want you to know what that is anyway and are grumpy if you don't do it. I am many things, but a mind reader isn't one of them. I had a roommate years ago who was continually mad at me, and I finally sat her down to ask why. "Well," she said huffily, "you're putting the dirty dishes in both sides of the sink, when one side is for clean dishes and the other is for dirty ones." Um... WHAT? It's fine to have this expectation about the sink, but unless you tell me, I assume that the drying rack is for clean dishes and the sink is for washing them. I hate the unspoken expectation, particularly because I'm usually quite willing to be accommodating if I only have some idea what it is a person wants. Grar.

3. What is your favorite recipe using ground beef?
I've found a great gluten-free beef stroganoff mix (thank you, Inga!). Yes, it's sad that it's a mix, but I'm new to the whole GF thing, so be patient. It's hugely high in fat, and thus, delicious. Also, Daryl makes amazing garlic-and-pepper burgers. Mmm.

4. What was your favorite book as a kid?
Narnia. And the Anne books. Both series were read to me by my paternal grandmother for hours upon hours while I played with Legos or drew pictures. That's still one of my all-time favorite childhood memories. When I reread either series now I almost hear Grandma's voice in my head, reading the words to me twenty years later.

5. Did you work as a teenager and if so, where?
My mom pointed out to me recently that I've pretty much always had a job. I've never really thought about it, but she's totally right, at least since my early teens. The list is as follows:

off-and-on beginning around 7th grade: occasional secretary-and-file-filer at my dad's State Farm office
8th grade summer: cabin cleaner at Zaugg's Resort
9th-10th grade summers: more regularly at State Farm
11th-12th grade summers: bar pianist at BJ's gourmet dining. This one rocked. I got ten bucks an hour plus some great tips. And I felt like Billy Joel. And I got to wear a fancy dress every Fri-Sat-Sun night.

6. Did you work while in college and if so, where?
Yes, indeed. During college I worked all of the following jobs (in no particular order, and not all at once):

* Bar pianist (BJ's)
* Rock Climbing Wall Staff (Wheaton College)
* Adventure Team Director - in charge of whitewater guiding, rock climbing, and managing a staff of 4-10 high school and college students (Silver Birch Ranch)
* Teaching Assistant (English department -Wheaton College - for David Wright who is still one of my favorite professors of all time)
* Editorial Intern (Rock and Ice Magazine)

7. When you go to sleep do you like total darkness or semi? When you go to sleep do you need quiet or is some noise ok?
Total darkness. Though I've recently purchased a bathroom nightlight because my cats wake me up if they can't find their litter box (which I cannot fathom - it's not like I move it on them...), and I've had quite enough of that.

8. When doing laundry, fabric softener or not?
No. I've never, ever used fabric softener. Also, Daryl does the laundry (when he's in town). Yeah. My husband rocks. Also, he does laundry MUCH better than I do (I tend to wash everything together... So bad!).

9. Open toed or closed toed shoes?
Cute shoes. And, as of recently, knee-high boots (see previous post)! That said, I've recently seen open-toed boots. What? WHY?!?!?! Sometimes I cannot explain the human race.

10. Would you rather be blind or deaf?
My inclination is to say deaf, so I can still see the world, but I've heard from deaf friends that being blind is better, because you can still be easily included in others' conversations. And life without music, or Daryl's voice, or hearing the rain? That would be horrible.

11. Dangle or stud earrings?
Both. Stud pearls for Presbytery meetings. Dangling ones for everything but teaching or preaching. Now that my hair's shorter, I like my earrings to fall below my hair.

12. Bottled water or tap?
I want to say tap. In Wisconsin I would say tap. In Chicago I happily drank tap. But I'm mortally afraid of the tap water in my 1950s apartment building. I know it has bacteria and mold and probably mouse-pieces in it. So I have a Brita AND I buy bottled water (no, I don't filter the bottled water - I just like to have options).

13. What do you put on pancakes?
Simeone pure maple syrup! It's amazing. Even if my mom believes it to be so precious that she practically made us put it on our pancakes with an eye dropper when we were kids. Especially after we all went up to help the Simeones gather sap and realized that a ridiculous amount of labor goes into that eye dropper full of syrup...

14. On a long trip would you rather drive or fly?
This year has started to make me hate flying. But I love that (when all goes well) I can actually be in Nashville in three hours to see the man I love. I generally prefer driving, though, unless I haven't seen Daryl in weeks. Then flying. Supersonic jet, if I can manage it.

15. Do you prefer classic old movies or new?
I prefer good ones. And often classic old ones are better than new ones, but not always. Sometimes classic old ones put me directly to sleep. I prefer movies that don't scare me, where hardly anything blows up, and that have a happy ending. Working in a hospital has made me despise really heart-wrenching movies. If I'm working in an environment full of grief and death, why on EARTH would I EVER want to watch something like Requiem for a Dream or Precious? Seriously? There's enough sadness in the world. Let the guy get the girl. Or at the very least, let the guy learn something from not getting the girl (like in 500 Days of Summer). That's all I ask.

Speaking of which, I just saw Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day and LOVED it. It's not always completely believable, but it's happy and entertaining and both Amy Adams and Francis McDormand are incredible. Good for a girls' night!

It's Not Really February Unless You're Sniffling

February is always marketed as this wonderful, romantic kind of month. Snow is softly falling, Valentine's Day is approaching, everyone is snug and cozy in their winter hats and jackets.

This is a lie. February is the month of ice storms and depressed single people and weather that teases you with a burst of tantalizing sunshine only to drop to -20 the very next day. February is the month of lingering colds and sinus infections and influenza of many types. February is the worst month. George Herbert once said: "Every mile is two in winter." That goes double for February.

So, in honor of it being February, I'm sick. I remember bragging to my mom four-ish months ago that I hadn't gotten sick since July (not counting my occasional migraines, which obviously aren't germ-related). "I think working at a hospital has exposed me to so many germs, I'm immune!" I chirped, happily.

I guess I didn't count on what being on a plane next to a human petri dish of coughing/sneezing/used tissues could do to a person. And then, using the lovely Delta plane's bathroom only to discover THERE WAS NO WATER in the tap at the sink. There was soap, mind you, but no water. And it wasn't hand-sanitizer. It was soap. So I soaped my hands, wiped them off with a paper towel, and went back to my seat to dig through my backpack for my own hand sanitizer which, of course, was in the bag I checked plane-side. I spent next hour and a half of the flight trying desperately not to touch anywhere near my face.

Clearly, I failed, because now I am sick. Go figure.

It's fitting somehow though, I guess. It's February 1, and if you go through an entire January and February without ever once sitting next to a pile of your own used tissues and watching bad afternoon television, you must be a stronger person than I am. So, I feel lousy and achey and snotty and just generally awful. Welcome to spring semester, eh? First day of class, and here I am in my pajamas. Sigh. Granted, I am going to get dressed to teach later this afternoon. As long as I don't have the swine flu (I got my shot!), I'll drag myself over there. Plus, the walking ball of germs on the Delta flight infected me on Thursday, which means I'm sure I'm not contagious anymore. Just miserable instead.

This is not intended to be a rant about sickness. I already feel crummy enough. Instead, I plan to share with you what is GOOD about getting sick. Not deathly-ill, hospital sick of course (there's not much good about that), but the moderately-ill, I-should-take-a-day-or-two-off-unless-things-are-urgent, stuffed up, sniffly, achy, exhausted kind of sick. The kind of sick where you'll get better if you go to bed at 6pm and nap all day, but you'll drag it out for weeks if you try to fight through it. And then maybe all of you can share with me what you've found to be good about being sick. And then maybe I can find a way to dope myself up enough on cold meds and echinacea to get to class tomorrow...

Things that are Good about Getting Sick

1. Buying sick foods. This used to be chicken soup for me, but since I've been going gluten-free, it's now changed to other foods. GF chicken broth with rice. Sorbet. Fresh-cut watermelon in winter. Simply Orange orange juice. Things that ordinarily wouldn't show up in my home (pricey! unnecessary! indulgent!) suddenly show up in abundance.

2. Shopping at Whole Foods. Daryl and I kind of have a tacit agreement that we don't shop at Whole Foods unless 1) there's a blizzard and we can't drive elsewhere, 2) there's some random ingredient that we really need that only WF stocks, or 3) we're sick and Wegmans and Shop Rite suddenly feel huge and overwhelming. So even when I'm feeling really crummy, going to Whole Foods gives me a little spark of joy.

3. Watching TV/movies without shame. Sure, I can watch a show or two and not feel bad. But when I'm sick I can watch all day, while napping intermittently. Law and Order Marathon? Yes, please.

4. Using the good Kleenex. Puffs Plus is ridiculously overpriced. But wow, does it feel good on my tender little nose. I am that shiny red-nosed claymation girl from the Puffs commercials. A nose in need DOES deserve Puffs Plus, indeed!

5. Umm... that's all I can think of. When I was little, getting taken care of by my mom, dad, and grandma would definitely make this list. My grandma is incredibly adept at making a person feel better. I can still remember her leaning over me when I had the fly and cooing things like, "Ohhh... you don't feel good, do you? What can I get for you? Is there anything that you would like to eat? Poor baby..." When Daryl's around he's pretty good at this, but for now, I get to be sick on my own.

Boo, that.

Yay, February.