I went to PTS's senior banquet on Wednesday. After getting ridiculously sick earlier in the week from an accidental gluten-ingestion incident at a restaurant, I didn't want to risk getting sick again so close to final exams. The last bout took two days of my life, and when you have 70 pages to write in 9 days, it's good to use all of those days to the fullest and not spend them in bed. In addition to the usual risks, the banquet was being held in Princeton's dining hall where the likelihood of cross-contamination is incredibly high. I can get sick from a single bread crumb, so hoping for the best just wasn't going to cut it.
Anyway, I ate before the banquet but went to hang out with my fellow seniors, see old friends, and chat over dinner. Faculty, students, and staff are the servers at the banquet, which is really cool. It's fun to see a New Testament professor or a Pastoral Care staff member serving dinner as a gesture of kindness and goodwill to us all at the end of seminary. Anyway, this is where my story takes an odd turn.
A well-dressed, elderly woman came to give me my salad. Not wanting it to go to waste, I turned to her and said, kindly but firmly:
"I have severe food allergies, so I'm just going to have water, thank you." The following conversation then ensued.
Her: (grumpily) Well, what is it you're allergic to?
Me: I'm just not going to eat. Really, I'm fine. I ate before I came tonight.
Her: Well, what about salad? (the salad was covered in dressing - something that often contains gluten)
Me: No, I'm afraid not.
Her: Are you sure?
Me: Yes, I am. I'm sorry. I'm just here for the fellowship.
Her: (suspiciously) What is it you're allergic to, exactly?
Me: I just - I'm just not eating. (explaining gluten is always difficult, and if you just say "wheat," people think they can avoid handing you a loaf of bread and you'll be fine, when, in reality, gluten lurks in everything from spices to fillers to flavorings)
Her: (firmly) Well, can we make you something special?
Me: No, I just - I can't. I'm sorry. I'm sure it's all very good.
Her: Do you want dessert? Can you have chocolate? (at this point I feel like we're starting to cause a scene. people at other tables are glancing up at us with raised eyebrows)
Me: No. Really, I'm fine.
Her: Well, I 'm going to give you a place-setting and a napkin. Is that okay? (said in a tone of disbelief, as if I'm faking no appetite but will certainly give in soon)
Me: Um, sure. That's fine. Thank you. (this is all just so weird, and she will not stop!)
Her: Are you sure I can't get you anything at all?
Me: No, really. Thank you.
Her: Anything at all?
Me: No, really. I'm fine. I got really sick this Monday and I don't want to risk getting sick again.
Her: Oh, right. Especially from here.
Aaaaand... scene.
The worst part was, after she left the people around the table told me who she was. I won't reveal it here for privacy reasons, but she was a pretty high up person at the seminary who apparently takes hospitality really seriously. What's a girl to do when the choice is between potentially getting really sick (during final exams, no less) and offending a really important person who thinks you're just being rude? Ugh.
I hate that I can't just eat normal food.
But I'd rather be perceived as rude then spend the next two days in bed...
4 comments:
You know, I've been thinking about this. And I want to let you know that I understand your point, and I can't even fathom how hard it must be to deal with a gluten allergy.
But I wonder, in the difficulty you have in facing your gluten allergy, if you have difficulty seeing that this woman was trying to be hospitable to you. Sure, perhaps the way she was interacting with you was not the best, but in your dialogue, I see her wanting to try to provide for you over and above what they had to offer. From having worked at the senior banquet for two years and attending it once myself, I really do believe that the professors who are there and serving really do want to do their best. And in the definite hierarchy that is PTS, this is their one chance to put you above them...which is kind of a big deal. And, I have seen them try to accommodate requests as best they can.
From your perspective, there was probably nothing in the kitchen that you could eat. As someone who worked in the kitchen often with PDR, I can agree that probably, in that moment, it would have been difficult to prepare something on the spot with people who probably don't know the ins-and-outs of how to cook with no gluten. However, this woman was not given that information, and there are lots of things that people could potentially be allergic to that would be easier to fix. So my thought was that in her mind, she would have liked to have known what exactly your allergy was so that you could be served and participate in this meaningful banquet. That's why, I think, she kept on pestering you, so that she could fix it.
I saw an interesting quote the other day on Facebook. My friend posted, "When you receive what is yours by right, and not by charity, charity may vanish altogether." And although that quote doesn't expressly apply to this situation, I feel like the flavor of it does. If you don't open yourself to the goodness of other people, and their desire to want to help you and serve you, that will vanish. From reading your blog for awhile now, I know that this gluten allergy has been really, really difficult for you. And I understand your frustration with others who just don't "get it." But I guess my hope is that as you become more comfortable and knowledgeable with your allergy and ways to work around that, perhaps it's good and fitting to share with people to educate them so that they may better know how to serve you (and others) well.
Jenny – I appreciate your pastoral concern and can understand from where you’re coming. She was certainly trying to be hospitable, though it felt to me like at some point her hospitality became more about her than it was about me. I do explain my illness (what gluten is, why I can’t have it, what happens if I do, etc.) to people all the time. At meals it sometimes comprises most of the conversation, though I’d rather talk about other things. However, in this instance I was trying not to make a scene, to avoid wasting food, and to eliminate the additional awkwardness that would have occurred had they brought me food that I then couldn’t eat. Gluten-intolerance isn’t well known around Princeton, and there was no opportunity to ask for “safe” food before the banquet (PTS doesn’t offer gf meals).
It was a difficult decision even to go to the banquet, knowing that I couldn’t eat anything and that it might be awkward. It would have been far easier to stay home, but I wanted to be brave and to avoid letting this allergy rule my life. Being unable to eat so many normal food items is pretty embarrassing and new to me, and I hoped to be able to celebrate at the banquet without additional reminders of my illness (along with the stigma that sometimes arises when people assume you are faking, doing it for attention, on some new fad diet, etc.). I had already had to explain to my table why I wouldn’t be eating.
It’s especially difficult when not eating is perceived as rude. I can’t eat something that will cause me extreme sickness just to avoid offending someone, and I was coming off of two days where I was very ill to the point where I had to miss class during my final week of classes at seminary.
Mostly, I was just trying to be funny. For my friends who are gf, these types of interactions happen all the time and we’re all in the process of learning how to better respond with grace, patience, and care to those who may not understand the significance of our allergy. The interaction left me near tears, so I was trying to laugh about it, share it, and learn from it. Nothing more.
I fully sympathize, though I've never been in that exact situation. My dad has a gluten allergy and I have some pretty serious food allergies myself, though gluten isn't one of them. The places we can go to eat are really limited now, and the amount of things that really do have gluten in them is astounding (soy sauce for example!).
Because of my nut allergy, I rarely eat desserts that I haven't made myself. I've asked servers if a certain dish has nuts and they've said no, and then I've had a reaction to it. This becomes problematic when well-meaning people just don't understand, and I've come to accept that people who don't have allergies can't possibly understand what it's like to be limited. I've never not had allergies so there are foods I've never tasted and never will. There are people who don't believe me. I even had someone in college joke that he bet as a kid, I blamed an allergy for some food I didn't like so I wouldn't have to eat it. I was really upset by that, but now I realize that it's just a difficult concept for people who don't have it in their lives.
I can appreciate your not trying to make scene; I've been there. It's hard because there's no guarantee that there hasn't been any cross-contamination, and again, people working in the restaurant business who don't have food allergies don't understand the necessity of those precautions. As more and more people have these problems, there may be more options for building a life around the limitations, but wouldn't it be nice to aim for eradication of these life-threatening conditions.
Courtney, I can't tell you the fury that this ignited within me. But there are many reasons for this, not all of them relevant to you, many of them lingering resentment at PTS and, in particular, remembering my experience at this banquet last year, which entailed a few similar disturbing revelations and frustrations. Hence, the run-on sentence.
There is hospitality and then there is harassment. There is serving and then there is shaming.
"Let it go" is indeed an apt title and reminder. And I hope you will continue to write these humorous vignettes, knowing that you, like me, help yourself through these types of things with humor and openness.
Anyhoodle, I look forward to learning how to cook gf food for our epic dinners we will be sharing in Nashville.
Post a Comment