Ten on Tuesday: Hospice Edition

Changes are afoot in my life, but for the next few weeks, I'm still working as a hospice chaplain. It's important work, work I both believe in and enjoy. It's also exhausting work. It's sad watching people's bodies shut down, their families grieve. Death isn't a pretty thing.

I've had to learn what helps me pick myself back up after a difficult day. This isn't just a list of happy things, it's a list of ten things that help me process, grieve, and let go of patients I've lost, families I've cried with, and pain I've witnessed. It all has to go somewhere, and it's best if that somewhere isn't permanently on my shoulders.

I think knowing these things about myself will bode well for a life of ministry, and using them for a "Ten on Tuesday" gives me the opportunity to ask: what picks you up after a difficult day? Share!

10. Phone calls with friends.
My good friend Katie called me during my lunch break a couple of weeks ago. "Courtney!" she chirped in that exceedingly extroverted way she has. "I need to talk to you!" What freedom to be able to call a friend mid-day, after work, on the weekend, to say, "Gosh, this was hard for me. What should I do? Will you pray for me?"

9. Puzzles.
I process while doing puzzles. It gives me a way to decompress that isn't just plopping myself in front of House. Though, admittedly, sometimes I do puzzles while plopped in front of House. Doing a puzzle gives me that think-but-not-think state of mind where I can say goodbye to a difficult day while beginning to transition to the rest of life.

(This is the one I'm working on now. I am loving it.)


8. Good, good music.
I have the most utterly absurd CD in my car right now. It contains songs by the most random assortment of artists known to humanity. Journey, James Blunt, Black Eyed Peas, Jeff Buckley, Dar Williams... it's pretty ridiculous. But somehow, after I've witnessed a patient's death or cried with a patient's loved one, there always seems to be the perfect song for the moment. Sometimes it's "Hallelujah." Sometimes it's "Don't Stop Believin'." Sometimes it's "It's Gonna Be a Good Night." Some days I'm singing along at the top of my lungs with the windows down in traffic to "Viva Las Vegas." I don't know why, but it really helps.

7. Baking.
When the world seems crazy, it gives me incredible comfort to mix up some eggs, sugar, flour (gluten-free, of course!), butter, and cinnamon, roll it out, and come up with cinnamon rolls. It's like, "Glory be, at least something in this world has gone right today."

6. Surprises.
I had a hard weekend. I finally had enough time and space to process through the past couple of weeks which have been crazy. Just plain crazy. Chaplaincy has easy weeks and hard ones, and these past have been really tough. Daryl and I sat in a parking lot on our way to a date and I just cried. I cried because of patients I've loved who have died. I cried for the grief of their families who now have to go on living without them. I cried over the dysfunction of families who try to love each other and just can't sometimes. I cried because it's just plain hard to listen to people's stories all day every day when those stories involve cancer and Alzheimer's and strokes and heart attacks and suffering of every shape and kind.

Daryl listened patiently, as he is incredibly amazing at doing. He prayed with me. He held my hand. Then, after I'd dried my tears and said, "Okay, I think I'm good now," he asked if he could tell me a secret.

"What's that?" I asked.

"Well..." he said quietly. "You mentioned that you wanted to go see Ben Folds with the Nashville Symphony..." (I had mentioned this once, briefly, and completely forgotten to follow up and look for tickets. When I thought to look, they were already sold out.)

I was shocked. I wasn't even sure he was listening when I mentioned it weeks earlier. I definitely wasn't sure we had the money to spend.

What a sweet surprise.

5. Organizing.
This is like baking. When the world seems like it's in shambles (read: lots of people are dying of lots of terrible things), I come home and organize a cabinet. I fold laundry. I rearrange some furniture. Then I stand back and say, "Ah. That's better." It helps.

4. Prayer.
Anne Lamott says that her two most often-used prayers are "Help me help me help me" and Thank you thank you thank you." I find myself praying these more often than I imagined before hospice. Pulling up to a patient's house: "Help me." Leaving after a visit: "Thank you." Sitting with a dying patient: "Help me." Witnessing the power of God in the life of a family: "Thank you."

There are many other prayers, but often this one rings in my mind.


3. More prayer.
Then there are days where "Help me" and "Thank you" don't seem to cut it. A friend of mine said recently that he finds himself praying certain lines from the Lord's prayer over and over again. Worried about money? "Give us today our daily bread." Struck by the tragedies of this world? "Deliver us from evil." Jesus gave us this prayer for a reason: it really does cover just about anything we might encounter in this crazy world. Forgive us. Thy kingdom come.

In the face of death and disaster within families' lives, often I can only reach for these words from Jesus. My own words fail me, and I am so grateful for his on my behalf.


2. Daryl.
Daryl is a source of deep and abiding joy for me. No matter what the day holds, at the end of the day, there he is.

1. Jesus.
Would this be a good list if it didn't end this way? Well, yes, but not very truthful to what really helps me (or better yet: who).

In hospice, sometimes the only thing I know is true is that Jesus is with me. We serve a God who suffered and died on our behalf, a God who is no stranger to suffering, brokenness, disease, and even death. When I sit with a suffering patient and feel like I can't do it a moment longer because their pain is too much, too hard, too excruciating, I remember that I am not alone in that room, in that house, in that hospital. I go with Jesus. Jesus goes with me. And Jesus loves that patient more than I ever could.

This is what helps me this Tuesday.

What helps you?

Ten on Moving-In Day

As soon as I can find my camera cord (ah, the joys of moving), there will be many, many photos to share, both from the summer and from our new home city.

For now, with our home in fairly serious disarray (Daryl and I walk around going, "Where's my... Where's my...") and with small mountains of boxes still to unpack, we'll all have to settle for a "Ten on Tuesday"-style post. Bear with me, friends. I'm still looking for my socks...

1. What's your favorite thing about your new home?

Everything. No, really... I love, love, love, love, LOVE our new home. It's cute and charming and affordable and in a great location. By great location, I mean both not-in-New-Jersey and in a wonderful part of town that's within walking distance of half a dozen great locations.

I love the setup of the townhome - bedrooms upstairs, living/dining/kitchen downstairs.

I love all the sunlight we get, and that we can see the sunset from our front windows.

I love that Daryl and I live here together, like normal married folks are supposed to do.

I LOVE that we have a washer and dryer, and that said washer and dryer are not located in a moldy, spider-infested, continually-flooded basement. I don't have to save quarters, nor do I have to wear my hiking boots to avoid stepping in ankle-deep puddles. Glory be.

God has really blessed us in finding this new place, and I'm super grateful. After looking online for nearly a month, we had a list of "these-might-be-okay" places. My friend Megan (thank you, Megan!!!) gave me the advice to just drive around close to Daryl's school to see what we found. We sat in the car, prayed for guidance and wisdom, and drove straight to this place. I love it when God answers prayers in under a minute. It's rare, but I love it!

2. What has surprised you most about this move?

How much easier unloading is than loading. It took us two days to load up, and about three hours to unload. When we loaded our POD we had to carry everything around the building and up a hill in the backyard. Yuck. The bigger furniture had to go over the balcony railing. It was not fun for anyone, particularly Daryl and my Dad who did about 99% of the work, poor guys.

 Loading up:

Unloading:

Yes, I'm kidding. It wasn't quite as easy as a beach vacation. But... it was pretty easy. A million thanks to our Nashville-area friends Jacob, Ted, and Sean for helping with the heavy stuff. You guys rock.

3. What's your least favorite thing about your new home?

As I was unloading our dishes, I suddenly realized that there is not a single drawer in the kitchen. No drawers! I hadn't thought to look at this when we toured the house, because I've never been in a house without kitchen drawers. Where are we going to put the silverware? In mason jars? In some sort of caddy? In the pantry? To be determined...


4. What is the funniest fight you and your spouse have gotten into regarding this move?

We needed a little corner cabinet or shelving unit in the dining room (probably to hold the silverware, of all things...). We looked online and went back and forth about how much we could afford and whether we should buy something, etc., etc., etc. Daryl wanted something dark wood that would match the other furniture. I wanted a cute cottage-y white cabinet. We both got grumpy. Then we looked over to a pile of boxes on the other side of the room.

"Hey," I said. "What about that shelf we have right there?"

We had forgotten that we had a corner shelf, in our three months of moving madness.

"Well, that would work," he said.

Problem solved. Husband and wife = sheepishly friends again.

5. How do you like your new home town?

I LOVE Nashville. Love it. Love it.

I wish it was a little bit less hot... Maybe 90 instead of 98? But other than that I adore it. And I suppose the greenhouse-like heat and humidity are what cause all of these gorgeous flowers to thrive over on the university campus.

6. What are you most worried about in your new home?

Spiders. I know, that's kind of pathetic, and I haven't seen a single one yet, though I've poked around in all the closets and under all of the cabinets. But I know it's just a matter of time, since we live in the buggy south and all.

I woke Daryl up two nights ago yelling, "Get it off of me! Get it off!" and flipping back the covers of our bed.

He turned on the light switch and said, "Get WHAT off?"

"The spider... centipede... bug... thing..." I said, sleepily. That's when he knew I was dreaming.

"Great," he thought. "Now my wife is wanting me to kill imaginary bugs even in her sleep. Fantastic."

I'm not afraid of much. Tornadoes? No problem. Living in poverty? Come on, I went to graduate school twice. Grizzly bears? Leave them alone and they'll leave you alone. Tiny spiders? No problem. BIG spiders? Kill me now.

My northwoods mother is SO disappointed that she raised such a spider-phobic daughter. This summer I watched her grab big spiders by a leg and fling them off our deck railing. Um, YUCK! I don't have that level of poise and control. Sorry, mom. But you are pretty awesome.

This sums up my spider fear pretty perfectly.

(Thanks, hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com!)

7. When are you going back to work, again?

August 30. My birthday will also be my first day of work. Have I mentioned that I'll be working as a hospital/hospice chaplain this year? I'll be doing a CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) residency year (a year of advanced chaplaincy training) through a Nashville hospital and hospice program.

I'm looking forward to getting back to all the challenges, joys, and difficulties of chaplaincy. It's an incredible privilege to spend the final months/weeks/days of a person's life with them and with their family. There's really nothing quite like it.

It's also a field where I get to use all my ministerial skills, and one that continues to push me to grow as a minister and as a person. CPE has an educational component as well, which I love. It'd be hard for me to go from full-time student status to full-time-work-with-no-educational-component status.

Two weeks until Chaplain Courtney returns!


8. Why did you choose this new spot to live?

Daryl goes to school here. We moved to Princeton for me (though it ended up being a great move for him, as he eventually decided to do an M.Div. there as well), and now we've moved to Nashville for him. Also, have I mentioned that Nashville is awesome? It's awesome.


9. What has surprised you most about your new home?

How many friends and family are coming to visit! We had some great visitors in Princeton, but the most surprising thing to me was that as soon as we mentioned we were moving to Nashville, we were deluged with requests to visit.  Apparently visiting in New Jersey is just not quite as fun/cool/convenient/friendly as visiting in Nashville.

I'm 1,000% excited about having more visitors and being closer and more convenient to those we love. Come visit us, friends!

10. Who are you most looking forward to having visit your new home?

Um, everyone. Seriously. My family, Daryl's family, my friends from seminary, my friends from home, Daryl's friends from home, our friends from Nashville. Come! Come for dinner or games or just to hang out. If you're from out of town, we (for the first time in our married life!) have a guest room! In two weeks we'll even have a guest bed! So you should probably wait two weeks. But then come!

Also, have I mentioned that Nashville is awesome? We have all the music you can stand, pro sports teams, great hiking trails, and all the gluten-free options a person could want (though this probably appeals more to me than to most of you). We also have two fat and happy cats who like to sleep on visitors faces. They'd be happy to sleep on yours.

Ten on Tuesday (Take Nine)

It's been awhile since I've ventured into one of these, but hey, a girl's got to get back on the horse again sometime. So here we go... Summer-themed!

1. What's the best summer job you ever had?
My favorite was probably working as a high school staffer at a camp out in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. I was out there for over a month helping to lead trips to Yellowstone with campers, cook and clean up in the kitchen, and clean the cabins. Between all of those things, I hiked dozens of trails in the Tetons, learned to rock climb, and developed a massive crush on a guy from their Bible College. I also discovered my love of blueberry-pineapple smoothies and cut all my hair off. It was a great summer.

2. What's the worst?
I don't think I've had a worst, necessarily, but it is tough to be stuck inside on a beautiful, sunny day. Those days are meant for being outside, at least for a lunch break!

3. What's your favorite summer activity?
I love summer walks. Walking down the road, walking to get dinner, walking around the zoo, walking through a flea market. I love not feeling freezing or rushing from one place to another because it's cold. Most of my summers have been spent in places far north of the Mason-Dixon line (Wisconsin, Chicago, New Jersey, Wyoming, Colorado), so summer is in the 70s and it's glorious. Though I haven't lived in the deep south yet, so maybe walking in the winter will be my favorite activity while I'm there...

4. What's one summer smell that brings back a summer memory?
The smell of cut grass reminds me of my dad mowing the lawn in the summer. No matter where I am across the country, that summer smell brings back a picture of my dad pushing our elderly lawnmower up the steep hill on the side of the house. It was dedication, that's for sure.

5. What's the best summer dinner of all time?
Anything on the grill. Chicken. Corn on the cob. Kabobs. Mixed veggies. Steak. Burgers. I would eat pretty much anything grilled. Pineapple. Asparagus. With watermelon on the side, of course.

I also love how gluten-free friendly summer is. It's pretty easy to make things gluten-free if you grill them. Peppers with olive oil? Great. Burgers with garlic and mozzarella? Perfect. Baked potatoes? Hard to mess those up!

6. What summer activity don't you like (and why)?
Tubing. I don't know why, but being pulled fast behind a boat makes me want to crawl under a seat with a towel over my head. It's scary. There are no lanes and tons of people drinking and driving boats (my family-of course-does not drink and drive boats, but thousands of tourists who visit the northwoods definitely, definitely do) in erratic fashions. I don't want to lose a leg to a boat motor. Nope. Don't want to do it. It's almost a phobia.

7. When does summer begin where you live?
In New Jersey? April. But they don't turn on the air conditioning until May, making for some very cranky Princeton students.

In Wisconsin? It depends on the year. Sometimes June. Sometimes July. Sometimes only for a day or two before fall begins.

In Tennessee? I'm not sure yet, but probably sooner rather than later... My real question will be when WINTER begins (if at all...).

8. When does it end?
In New Jersey? October.

In Wisconsin? August. Or September, if it's a lucky year.

In Tennessee? Hmm... November? December? Ever?

9. What was the craziest thing you ever did during a summer?
When I was in high school I went bridge jumping with a bunch of friends from the youth group. Not that smart, and not that safe, but loads of fun. Definitely in the years before whatever that brain piece that tells you "Stop! That isn't safe!" kicks in...

Another summer some friends and I traveled up the Black River, jumped off cliffs into the river, and swam in the rapids. Again, not safe, but loads of fun.

This past summer I worked as a chaplain in an ICU unit. It was exhausting, exhilarating, enlightening, and occasionally even entertaining. I mostly loved it and sometimes hated it, but I always loved what I learned and how different things were each day. As for crazy, when any machine in the ICU starts beeping, things get really crazy really quickly...

10. What's one thing you don't like about summer?
Some days I don't like the pressure to be outside. Some days I want to curl up with a book and not feel guilty for not making the most of the sunshine. But only some days.

Ten on Tuesday (Take Nine)

Welcome back, friends! The play was a smashing success, despite some bumps in the road (one cast member ended up in the E.R., I lost my voice for a day, and we had to fight tooth and nail to get the A/C turned on in the performance hall despite temps of 90 degrees...). It was incredible amounts of fun, and I'll post pictures soon. For now, I'm fighting off a gluten-attack, so all I can muster is a simple "Ten on Tuesday."

Again, courtesy of Roots & Rings.

1.  What book, movie or song has made you want to travel to a particular place?
I've always been intrigued by Italy after reading The Agony and the Ecstasy. Yes, I know Michelangelo no longer lives there, but still... Steinbeck's East of Eden made me curious about California's Salinas Valley, which I'd still love to visit. When Daryl starts getting homesick he listens to Randy Newman's "I Love L.A.," which makes me long for the palm-tree-strewn streets of SoCal. As a grade schooler I was proud to live in Wisconsin because of Laura Ingalls Wilder's The Little House in the Big Woods. I rarely don't fall in love with places I read about.

2. Aside from your significant other, who would you want to take with you on a dream trip?
I have very, very fond memories of traveling through England with my friend Sharece. She was a great travel partner - laid-back, funny, up for anything, and was equally happy chatting and journaling. I love traveling with people who aren't afraid of asking odd questions or making special requests. When we got stranded because the trains in England are, well, unreliable would be a kind way of describing it, she just shrugged and we went to a pub and drank copious amounts of tea and ate fish and chips and laughed about England's England-ness. When we got stranded in another train station, Sharece grabbed a station attendant and sweet-talked her way into a free 2-person sleeping car complete with tea and breakfast. And when we (eventually) made it home, we had a great story to tell.

I love traveling with my parents and sisters, too, and I've had some great trips with Daryl's former DSG (Discipleship Small Group) guys Chris and Steven and Chris's wife Stephanie. We make a fun fivesome, and enjoy equal parts heavy conversation (our last big conversation topic was baptism - infant or adult or both? - and we went at it for hours), laughter, and cooking great food.

3. Where would said dream trip be to?
Is it wrong that what bothers me most about this question is that it ends the question with a preposition? Ugh. What times these are in which we live! I gave my students a mini-lecture the other day about not ending sentences with a preposition and I got 29 blank stares. One student actually knew what I was talking about, and even listed off about 30 prepositions for the class. I don't know who her high school English teacher was, but he/she deserves a medal. And a raise.

The place to which I would travel would probably be Europe. I haven't been back since 2004 and I miss all of the cathedrals and museums and amazing food and cafés. I'd love to take Daryl to Germany and Austria (he's never been and he's been learning German for years), to travel back to Britain or France, or to explore new places I haven't visited like Italy and Spain.

4. If you were hosting guests or providing tips, what three things would you show visitors to your hometown? (be it where you live now or where you grew up)
In Princeton the three best things to see are 1) Grounds for Sculpture (an outdoor sculpture garden/museum in Hamilton, NJ), 2) Einstein's house (sadly, you can't go in it - it's always occupied with a professor + family because the University uses it to lure in new faculty), and 3) Nassau Street. On Nassau you have the glorious Thomas Sweet's (ice cream! mmm...), the Bent Spoon (amazing gelato for all you non-gf-ers), and Halo Pub (locally made ice cream! mmm...). Can you see that my life has a theme? It's a good thing I'm not allergic to dairy, too...

5. If you had a long weekend ahead of you, where you head – beach, city or country/mountains?
I'm currently at the tail end of a nasty gluten-attack (it's poison! pooooiiiissssoooonnn!!!!), so all I can think of right now is going to sleep. And then maybe waking up and eating some fruit. Then, more sleep.

6. Do you have a passport? If so, did you get it for a particular trip or just to have, in case?
I do indeed. I first got a passport when I was in junior high and our family traveled to Europe (yes, it was awesome, and yes, that makes me sound a little bit hoity-toity, but do remember that the dollar was really strong back then, so all of Europe was pretty much a half-off sale). I had blonde hair down to the middle of my back and a silly pink sweater from Old Navy on in the photo. I was pretty happy when it expired and I had to get a new one.

7. Are there any travel souvenirs you collect? If not, is there something else you collect?
No, I'm not really a collector. I have lots of great novels, but I usually don't have them for long  because I give them away to people who I know would love them. I sent my mom home this weekend with The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time. If I didn't like the book, I won't pass it on.

Example: I just read the highly rated novel The Elegance of the Hedgehog. It had potential, and occasionally brilliant moments, but on the whole it was really fussy. I don't like fussy books. You don't have to impress me by constantly proving to me how smart you are and how many words you know - just tell a brilliant story.

8. If you could name a paint color, what color would it be and what would you call it?
It would be a soft gray and I would call it "Eliot Kitty Whiskers."

Ask a silly question, get a silly answer.

9. If you were heading away for a weekend break solo, where would you go? (forget about practicality here and flight times, assume you can get to any city in the world for the weekend)
I would love to go somewhere with a sandy beach and that ridiculous teal-aqua-turquoise colored water to nap, read, and drink cherry cokes with those little umbrellas. This is my finals-week self talking. Ask me again when I'm rested and my answer will be more adventurous.

10. Is there a song or a smell or something that you strongly associate with a particular holiday/place/time, such that it always takes you back?
The Jars of Clay song "Liquid" always reminds me of the beginning of high school (specifically sitting in a car with my friends Amy and Jeff on the way to some youth group activity in the late spring).

The smell of certain soap reminds me of Honey Rock Camp, since they use that to wipe down the tables in the dining hall.

The smell of Gillette shaving cream reminds me of Daryl. Sometimes when I really miss him, I'll use that to shave my legs so that I smell like him all day.

The taste of maple syrup (the real stuff!) reminds me of boiling sap at my friend Tonia's family's home in Wisconsin. The air gets so sugary you can practically eat it. It's amazing.

Ten on Tuesday (Take Eight, on a Monday)

Courtesy of Roots and Rings.

1. When you were a senior in high school, what career did you think you’d choose? Did you? Why or why not? For years I imagined I'd be a veterinarian. That was cured by a career field trip my parents set up for me at the local vet. Ten minutes after I walked in I was in an operating room with a German Shepherd on the surgical table, a tube down her throat for anesthesia, her pink tongue lolling out. The vet grabbed a scalpel and cut in. Blood ran out of the incision. I promptly blacked out. That was the end of that. It turns out that I am pretty much my father's daughter when it comes to blood.


2. What one thing about the “real world” did you find most surprising once you were on your own?
I was surprised by how little free time I had. My first year in the "real world" I was a graduate student working two jobs to help pay rent. By the time I had gone to Job #1, class, and Job #2, I had barely any time to cook dinner and fall into bed, much less exercise, see Daryl (only my boyfriend, at the time), and keep up with friends.

3. Name 3 things you think your closest friends DON’T like about you.
1) I'm a really awful phone person. I'll call people back, of course, but I'd always rather meet in person or email instead of call. 2) I can be annoyingly cheerful at times. Not on purpose, I just have a certain bounciness of spirit that can get on people's nerves if I'm not measured about it. Hmmm... is it bad I can only come up with two? Help me out, folks... I know there are more things!

4. In order to sleep, do you need background noise or absolute quiet?
Reasonable quiet, but more importantly than that, absolute darkness. I'll wake up if there's even a little bit of light, like the glow from a cell phone from across the room. A little noise doesn't bother me, but a little light does.

5. Why do you choose to reside in your current city? Yes, you have a choice.
For now, I live in Princeton, NJ because my seminary's here. In two months I'll be a Nashvillian (or Nash-Trash, according to my friend Heather), because my husband's graduate program is there. It looks like I'll be there for at least 4-5 more years, and we're open to settling there permanently if it's a good fit for us. Otherwise, we choose our cities based on their school programs, for the most part. If you build a good institution of higher learning, we'll probably live in your city. That's how we roll.

6. Are you close to your parents?
I am. We see each other every three or four months, and I always, always, always love going home. Dad calls it "my cocoon," and it really still is. I'll crawl into that guest-room bed and feel like all is right with the world. Then I wake up in the morning, go upstairs, and Dad already has the kitchen going with eggs and pancakes. Mom is always waiting with an art project, or to help me use the sewing machine I'm still learning to use. I love my parents.

7. What is your favorite fiction book? Poem? Blog?
I cannot possibly name just one fiction book. I have different favorites at different times. Here are a few I never tire of: East of Eden (Steinbeck), The Chronicles of Narnia (Lewis), The Anne Series (Montgomery), Moth Smoke (Hamid), Interpreter of Maladies (Lahiri), Wuthering Heights (Brontë).

I love T. S. Eliot's poem "Ash Wednesday." It speaks to my soul, in part because of its nonsensical, fragmentary bits.

As for blogs, I've taken to visiting the blogs I list on the right side of this one pretty often. I'm a sucker for "Beauty Tips for Ministers" (this lady cracks me up), in particular, as well as for my blogging friends who inspire me (IttyBittyImpact, The Outdoor Wife) or make me laugh (TheKlines, Confessions of a Bunn Girl, The Drurys in New Jersey).

8. Do you enjoy cooking or is it a chore?
I love cooking, but I don't particularly love cooking just for myself. If Daryl is around or I have friends over, I'll happily cook for hours. I'm still learning to  be good at it, however. There are still relatively frequent culinary disasters in my kitchen... Are these rice noodles supposed to be crunchy? Sigh...

That said, I made a killer (and very delicious!) apple pie for Easter, and I'm still riding high on the glow from that particular culinary success.

9. Be honest. What one thing would (the majority of) your blog readers be shocked to find out about you?
I listen to "Adventures in Odyssey" pretty regularly. It's a kid's radio show produced by Focus on the Family. Focus does some good work, but I disagree fairly strongly with some of its theology. Yet this children's program is almost always really wonderful. The stories are fun, the characters are memorable, and it manages to relay Scriptural truths without being heavy-handed. I'm a sucker for a good story, and when my life gets hectic and crazy, it's really relaxing for me to listen to a 20-minute story where everything is wrapped up at the end, and Jesus is mentioned in positive ways.

One of the sweetest moments in my dating relationship with Daryl was when he sheepishly admitted to me that he still occasionally listens to Odyssey. He expected me to laugh. Instead, I lit up. "Really? Me too!" I chirped. That pretty much sealed the deal for both of us.

I also listen to loads of NPR, especially "This American Life" and "Car Talk." One of my dad's claims to fame is that he was ON car talk a few years back, asking a question about his turn signal. If you're interested, leave a comment and I'll send you the link.

10. If you were given your own national holiday, what would you require people to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner on the Day of You? Would there be a parade? Greeting cards?
On the "Day of Me" the first order of business would be sleeping in, followed by a yummy breakfast of gf pancakes, waffles, and/or French toast. The rest of the day would be spent relaxing, but not alone. It would be a day for friends and families, gathering in parks, playing Frisbee, playing music, and eating good food. It would resemble my family camping trips to McLaine State Park in Michigan, where whole days are spent walking the shores of Lake Superior, eating food straight off the charcoal grill, and dancing in and out of Lake Superior's icy waves. It's glorious, and I miss it.

Feel free to send me questions for future "Ten on Tuesday" updates. I'll answer them all, to the best of my ability...

Ten on Tuesday (Take Seven)

Thanks to the usual folks.

1. What television character do you identify with?
On my best days, I am CJ Cragg from The West Wing. On my not-so-on-the-ball days I am Donna Moss from The West Wing. On my really-off-the-wall days I am Phoebe, from Friends.

2. Describe your morning routine.
I wake up to my alarm and lay in bed for a few minutes, praying. If I'm extra tired (this is most morning), I'll hit the snooze once or twice. I eat breakfast (cereal, 98% of the time it's cereal... I love the stuff) while I surf the Internet. Because 9/11 happened during my first few weeks at college, I can't really start my day without checking the news. On September 11, 2001, I just got up and went to class right away, before learning about what had happened from a classmate. It really formed part of my morning psyche to want to know if the world is okay.

Then shower, brush teeth, dress, blow-dry, and bolt out the door. Sometimes I have time for makeup, sometimes not. The day goes distinctly better when I do.


3. How do you do lunch? Bring from home or dine out? Same thing every day or mix it up?
Since I live only 3 miles from campus, the easiest and cheapest (and most restful) thing is usually to run home and cook something quick. I've become a huge fan of guacamole and chips, chocolate-chip pancakes, or baked potatoes and veggies for lunch this year (not together, natch).

4. What is one moment that, although seemingly trivial at the time, changed your life?
During the first day of my freshman year I went to Wheaton chapel for the service and quickly realized I didn't know how to get to my class afterward. After the service ended tall guy with a shaved head stood up a couple rows in front of me and yelled, "Does anyone know how to get to Breyer Hall?" Someone in the row immediately in front of me (a sophomore) kindly offered to show him the way. I tagged along.

We all sat together during that first class and ended up forming a study group of four (with one other girl from that class) and met several times a week (enjoyable group studying is the key to learning Greek). We all became fast friends. Four years later, that tall guy and I were dating. Two years after that, we got married. I'm so glad I scheduled Greek at 11:30 on Mondays!

5. Name your top three beauty products.

Mascara, colored lip gloss, and mousse. Without them I look disheveled and undone. With them, I look slightly less so. Also, as my loving sister Caitlyn used to say, my eyes are my "one beauty" so I have to play them up. She was kidding... I think.

6. What do you do when you’re alone in the car?
I fluctuate between the Christian music station and NPR. Lately the Christian station has been playing the same 10 songs over and over and over again, so I've taken to supplementing it with Oldies. A doo ron ron ron a doo ron ron.

7. What is the ideal city for you to live in? If you can, take this test (< that’s a link) and tell us the results. Do you agree with them?

My ideal city is west of Jersey. It might be Nashville, Madison, Los Angeles, Duluth, Jackson Hole, Missoula, Idaho Falls, Glenwood Springs, Seattle, Minneapolis, Portland, or Tuscon. I'm pretty open, just not to the far east coast. Too far from home, too crowded, too East Coast-y. I'm going to miss the accents, though.

Wooter? Seriously? It's WAH-ter, people.

8. Are you waiting for something?

I am indeed. With a few job applications sent off (one to my dream, dream job!), I'm waiting to see what the future holds. I'm waiting (we're almost at 30 days!!!) to live with my husband again. I'm waiting to leave New Jersey and my flooded basement. Right now, most presently, I'm waiting for Easter. It is the very best day.

9. What was the last shocking news you heard?
I heard that a very gifted friend of mine didn't pass an ordination exam. Now he's going to be held up in the process for at least seven more months. I couldn't believe it - he's really bright and gifted, and I felt terrible for him.

This is a hard season  for folks applying  to upper graduate degree programs, too. With the recession, more people are looking at graduate school as a viable alternative, and programs are incredibly competitive. For every dear friend who has gotten an acceptance lately (yay, Peter and Cambria!!!), others have been turned down. My heart aches for them.

Four years ago Daryl was turned down to Princeton's  PhD program. Many advisors and friends had assured him that he would get in, and while we weren't certain, we were very optimistic. When the "no" letter came (Someone at Princeton once corrected Daryl that it isn't a "no," it's that they have "declined to offer you admission." Right. Same difference, friend.) he went straight to the bathroom and threw up. It was a bad, bad day.

We got through it, and so will those who didn't get into the program of their dreams this year, but it's hard. Still, as we look back we're grateful for that bump in the road. It led us to M.Div's at Princeton together. It led us to a deeper understanding of ministry and grace. And now it has led Daryl to Vanderbilt and us out of New Jersey.

10. What are three things you wouldn’t do for a million dollars?
Leave Jesus, cheat on Daryl, and eat a bratwurst. In that order. I'd think about eating that bratwurst, but in the end, I don't think I could do it.

Ten on Tuesday (Take Six)

 Courtesy of my friend, Megan.


1. If you were given an hour to use a $200 Amazon gift card, what would you buy?
Novels. Glorious, interesting, assorted novels. I always have a running list of ten or twelve that I'm dying to read, and there's something about owning them in paperback that makes me infinitely happy. They're like reading candy, with all their beautiful colored jackets. I don't own them to be selfish, either. I probably give 3/4 of them away to friends because I love them (the novels and the friends) so much I want them to be together.

Over break I read this, and it was amazing:

2. Are there any fairly common foods that you’ve never had?
I'm scared of sauerkraut, and have avoided it to this point. Is that common? Also, brats are a staple in Wisconsin, and I've never eaten one. I had a babysitter when I was in kindergarten that told me I couldn't leave the table until I ate the brat she cooked for me. I sat there until my mom came to pick me up hours later. Totally worth it.


3. What was your favorite way to use your imagination as a kid?
My sisters and I (and my friend Tonia, once she had been ingrafted into the sisterhood) put on elaborate shows. Dancing shows, musical shows, ice skating shows. They were complicated and involved many, many costume changes. I was always the star. Tonia was the secondary star. Poor Caitlyn was relegated to the supporting characters - Chip, the teacup, when we played Beauty and the Beast. Rajah, the tiger, when we played Aladdin. She was a good sport and I owe her many nice Christmas presents for putting up with my bossy self.

4. What’s your favorite state? Why?
I love Wisconsin. Always, always will. I've now lived in five states (WI, IL, NJ, CO, and CA), been to almost all of them (minus the Pacific northwest, which I am dying, dying, dying to see!), and they all have their own type of charm. Sometimes that charm takes a bit to uncover (NJ?), and other times it's so obvious it smacks you in the face (CA!), but it's always there in some form. It just can't compare to the kindness-of-strangers charm of Wisconsin.

5. If it was our culture to have our parents choose our spouses, do you think yours would make a good choice?
Oh goodness... In some ways yes (he would certainly love Jesus) and in other ways, maybe no. I love my Daryl, and I don't know if he is the guy they would have chosen for me in part because they never would have run into him in his Los Angeles habitat (though now they're thrilled I chose him!). I'm encouraged to know that they never would have chosen someone like one of my well-meaning relatives once did. He set us up on a date of sorts, and the first thing prospective-boyfriend-guy asked me was, "So.... can you cook?" Date over.

6. What’s your favorite herb?
I'm with Megan on this one. Cilantro. Though rosemary is a close second, especially with beef in soups. Mmmm... When we move to Nashville I'm starting an herb garden. Mmmm... fresh rosemary!

7. If you could have dinner with one celebrity, who would you choose?
Assuming we mean celebrity in terms of movies/film, Jeff Bridges. Married to his wife for 33 years, an incredible actor, just won a well-deserved Oscar, plus: he's the dude!

If we can include novelists, then my list grows much, much longer. I always wanted to meet David Foster Wallace, but sadly, that can no longer happen.

As for sports figures, I have a pretty substantial figure-skating crush on Evan Lysacek and I certainly wouldn't mind meeting Brett Favre or Derek Fisher.

8. What’s your favorite Disney movie?
I love Ratatouille. It is the perfect adult-kid movie, and it symbolizes the relationship with food I am now discovering (good food = gooooooood food). In my more kid-like moments I love Monsters, Inc. the best. As a kid I was head-over-heels in love with Aladdin. I wanted to BE Princess Jasmine with a pet tiger and a scandalous midriff-bearing blue outfit, riding magic carpets. Sometimes I still do.

9. If you had to listen to the same song over and over for 24 hours, what song would you choose?
"You're Beautiful" by James Blunt. I don't know why. It's kind of a dumb song, actually, but the acoustic-y melody gets in my head and helps me to be productive. In English graduate school I would play this on repeat until Daryl would change it himself, he was so tired of it. But hey, James helped me write some pretty darn good papers!

10. How do you order your steak?
Medium well, unless I'm trying to impress someone, like the French chef at the restaurant Daryl and I were gifted a dinner at over spring break. Then I say medium, so I don't sound so uncultured and charcoal-loving. And sometimes I even enjoy a medium steak, though sometimes (I'm embarrassed to admit), I just eat around the periphery and save the innards for Daryl, who likes his meat to moo.

Ten on Tuesday (Take Five-ish)

Today's Ten on Tuesday (that, yes, is being posted on Monday, but my Tuesday will be quite busy!) will have a vocational theme, since this is what's on my mind these days. As a Candidate in the PCUSA, I am near the end of the ordination process. My dream of all dreams is to receive a call as a pastor, to spend my days serving God and the church with all that I am. Lord willing, if goes well ("if the way be clear" is the official Presbyterian phrase often used here) I will be certified as ready for ordination at the end of March. Once I'm certified, I can officially look for a "call" (Presbyterian-ese for "pastoral job"). And this makes me excited and nervous and hopeful and excited.

This is me in my university chaplain internship days. I miss these students! I run into some of them when I'm teaching, but I miss hanging out with them all week and leading Bible studies. They're incredible, incredible folks.

So in honor of the call/job search that I am currently beginning to embark upon, I will answer the following ten vocational questions:

1. What is the best job you've ever had?
 I've had a lot of "best" jobs, but they were great in different ways. I loved, loved, loved working at Wheaton College's rock climbing wall. I taught students and staff how to climb and belay, set new routes on the wall, and (when I wasn't doing either of those two things), hung around and talked about climbing all day. It rocked. Pun intended.

The job that was best for my personal growth was my summer CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) internship. I worked as a hospital chaplaincy intern, and in three months it really felt like I saw it all. Brand new life, miraculous recoveries, incredible suffering, death, grief. Injuries that I didn't know were possible (did you know that it's possible for your legs and various other parts of your body to fill up with fluid and swell up to four or five times their original size?! Me neither, before this summer. Eep.) CPE is structured with prayer, reflection, chaplaincy work, debriefing, and supervisory sessions. It's a crucible, that's for sure, but with the right supervisors it's also an incredible and transforming experience. It wore me out at times, but I loved it.

I was a bar pianist back home in Eagle River. That was a blast. It got hilarious later in the evening when people had had several drinks with dinner and would request things I had just played. "I haven't thought of this song in years and years, but would you play 'Misty'?" Uh... sure. Just like I did six minutes ago? But I got free chocolate cake (mmmm... the BEST chocolate cake), nice tips, and an excuse to wear fancy dresses on top of it all. It was SO fun.

2. Have you ever had an internship?
I have had four internships. FOUR. One editorial internship at a rock climbing magazine in Colorado (fun, fun, fun) and three ministry related internships. I've enjoyed them all and learned a great deal, but I'm ready to be a non-intern for a change. Here's to the end of interning and the beginning of working jobs that last longer than an academic year or a summer! Hooray!!! 


3. What is the worst job you've ever had?
I worked at an office furniture company for a summer years ago. It was a great company and the people (including my boss) were really amazing, but the job itself would have perfectly fit someone with the exact opposite personality traits that I have. It was a position for an extroverted, non-type-A, incredibly flexible, very organized person. I am an introverted, not particularly organized, relatively type-A, and very focused person. It did not go well.


4. What kind of boss will you be (or are you, if you already supervise others)?
A good one, I hope. The pastor I interned with a few summers ago and my CPE supervisors are my models for this. Under their leadership I always felt like I had great gifts to offer the world.

5. How many jobs have you ever worked at one time?
Oh goodness... Last year at seminary I was a full-time seminary student (I certainly count this as a job), a university chaplain intern (10-12 hours per week), a teaching assistant at the seminary (10-ish hours per week), and an adjunct professor at a nearby university (10-ish hours per week). Needless to say, Daryl did 99% of the housework AND cooked me a lot of dinners. I believe my entire household duties were as follows: 1) Feed the cats. 2) Load and unload the dishwasher. By November Daryl took over feeding the cats, too. Love that man.

6. What is a job you would be worst at?
Anything that involved hurtling through space at high speeds. Astronaut, circus performer, ski jumper. Also, anything involving higher, higher math. Nuclear physicist, NASA engineer, etc.

7. What is a job you aren't currently pursuing that you'd be good at?
I think I could be a really great gluten-free bakery owner. I love to bake, and I'd love to give people who can't eat gluten the joy of eating a gluten-free but incredibly yummy cupcake or cookie or even wedding cake. It's hard to truly understand gratitude until you've fed a gf baked good to a gf-er. They might kiss you.

8. What was your first job?
Cleaning chalets at Zaugg's resort. I can now say that I cleaned the cabins that belonged to the resort of the parents of Jinelle Zaugg-Siergiej, Olympic silver medalist. Woot.

9. What's your most marketable attribute?
Pastorally, my preaching and pastoral care skills. Teaching-wise, my strong student evaluations. As a chaplain, my ability to think quickly on my feet and not overreact to any perceived craziness/medical disaster.

10. Are you good at job interviews? 
Usually. Unless I get really, really nervous, and then I can say stupid things by accident. When a member of the admissions staff at Wheaton College interviewed me as a high school senior (granted, this was not a job interview, but still...) I was totally unprepared. I wasn't expecting the call, and I got really flustered. Then the woman asked me what I liked to do for fun. My response? "Well, I sometimes skip school to go snowboarding..." Well done, Courtney. Well done.

What about you all? Best job? Worst one? Job prospects for the future? Gratitude for a great current job? Spill!

Ten on... Thursday

Life has just gotten a bit crazy. Usually I have a few hours in my day to myself, but now that this semester has ramped up, I am running pretty hard all day. This, combined with finishing up my final documents for my readiness review at the Presbytery of Chicago in a couple of weeks, polishing a sermon for March 7, looking around for jobs in Nashville, rehearsing the spring play at the seminary, and teaching a course at Rider that I haven't taught in two years makes for a busy girl. So those are my excuses as to why this blog has begun to be a bit sparse. It's my intention to post every day. But... hey. Sometimes not.

Anyway, my ten questions:

1. Do you know any famous people?

I know Jinelle Zaugg-Siergiej, an Olympic hockey player who will have either a gold or a silver (but my money's on gold!) medal by 9pm EST tonight. She's newly famous, and handling it well.

I know Evan Dollard, winner of a season of American Gladiators. He was the head lifeguard at Silver Birch Ranch summer camp when I worked there for a summer. Really nice guy, solid Christian, and a face made for television. If there was one person I knew who I would expect to be on a sports-related reality television show, it's Evan (well, Evan and Jinelle's two older brothers).

Other than that I know quite a few sort-of-famous folks. The professor I work as a T.A. for is a Shakespearean actor who's been in some movies (he's on IMDB - that's pretty stinkin' cool). One of the men from the Bible study Daryl and I led in Burbank has been on Law & Order. I once walked right by Jude Law in New York City and Justin Chambers (of Grey's Anatomy fame) at the Getty in Los Angeles. That's about it. Living in Wisconsin the most famous person you ever come across is the fishing guide, Joe Bucher. And yes, he's a big deal.

2. What's the strangest thing you've ever eaten?
I am a fussy eater. I'm getting better (in part due to the whole gluten-free thing where my options are limited...), but I'm still more picky than most. I don't think I've ever eaten anything considered strange, unless you count a pound of cotton candy all in one sitting... Yeah, I guess that's not normal.

3. What's one thing you want so much in life that you're almost afraid to hope for it?
To be a pastor. After this whole seminary journey with all its ups, downs, and unpaid internships, I'm almost afraid to hope that I'll actually be able to fulfill my vocational calling in some capacity in the near future. Really? This was all going somewhere?

4. What's your favorite thing about your significant other?
Everything. He's just the best. Today my favorite thing is his voice over the phone. It's comforting, even from hundreds of miles away. I also like that he cooks and cleans. And that he's tall. I like tall.

5. How many extra hours in a day do you need?
I'm always convicted about how I use my days... I have the same number of hours as everyone else, the same number of hours in a day given to all of us by God to use and rest in. I'm trying to find a balance between frantically doing things all day or recovering from my frantic doing for most of the next. Still working on that one.

6. What is the best magazine to read on a plane?
Anything celebrity gossip-y. Nothing helps pass the time like what Catherine Zeta-Jones is wearing or learning that pink is the new black. I've given up celebrity gossip for Lent, though, so I don't know the answers to life's deep questions anymore right now. You'll have to ask someone else who Mary-Kate Olson is dating.

7. What's your favorite article of clothing?
I love my black fleece. It is getting old and kinda ratty, but it just makes me feel so safe and happy and warm. It's my go-to when I'm getting over a cold or headed out for a long day of class in the snow.

8. Will you ever be famous yourself?
I can hear in my head how Megan would answer this ("No, but I may be infamous!"). I hope not. I want to live a meaningful, grounded life. Also, the paparazzi would drive me nuts. I never want to lose the freedom to leave the house for groceries without selecting the right shade of eyeliner. Or any makeup at all. Or matching socks.

9. What's one random thing that you're afraid of?
Librarians.

10.  What's one thing you wish you could change about your house or apartment? 
Just one? Today I wish our apartment building's basement didn't have three inches of standing water in it. And TONS of mold (which is probably giving me cancer as we speak). I can't do laundry until the water recedes or I'll electrocute myself, and I'm running low on socks. And pants.


Don't forget to watch Jinelle's team play Canada tonight at 6:00pm on MSNBC! I don't get this channel (BOO, NBC! programmers! Booooooo!), so I'm heading out to a local restaurant with some seminary friends. We will be cheering from New Jersey!

Ten on Tuesday (Take Four)

It's one in the morning, and I should totally go to sleep, but I had a meeting tonight until 10:30pm, and so I missed the Olympics. And NBC airs their prime time coverage again from 12:45-4am. This is potentially really bad... It's good the Olympics only come once every two years, or I'd be a much more sleep deprived girl... How can a person sleep when there is SPEED SKATING?!?! I'm also trying to satiate some of my Olympics voyeurism now, since I don't get MSNBC (and thus, can't watch the next two women's hockey games... grrrr...).

Also, while I'm ranting on NBC, let me say three things:

1. Air the darned hockey games on network or at least basic cable. All of them. I don't care if it's 4am; I'll watch.

2. Enough with the awkward Dick Button/Bob Costas/other random oldish guy talking head rambles in the arm chairs. They're boring. Also, the arm chair fireplace scene is just awkward. And boring.

3. Stop showing the first pairs skaters early and then waiting three hours to show the rest. Not all the world has TiVo, and not all the world has enough time to watch four hours of television. Showing the skaters all together adds intensity and suspense. You know, like it's all the same event or something, and it matters who wins. Honestly...

On to Ten on Tuesday:

1. What's your favorite midnight snack?

A bowl of cereal. Cereal's always been my comfort zone. When I was home over Christmas break I realized where I get this - my dad is a serial cereal-eater. Though now I just finished a piece of gf cornbread and some chocolate milk. Mmmm...

2. Do you eat junk food everyday?

Sigh... Yes. I do. I thought that everyone did, until I was hanging out with some friends over spring break last year. One of them noticed me rifling through my purse for some candy, which I then popped in my mouth. 

"You really like candy, don't you?" she asked. I nodded. "Do you eat some every day?" she asked. I nodded. 

"Don't you?" I asked. The question seemed really odd to me. She wasn't a health nut or anything.

"Nope." 

That was the first time in my then-26 years of life that I realized not everyone eats at least a tiny bit of junk every day. Definitely no one in my family (extended family included) goes an entire day without a handful of M & Ms or popcorn or a scoop of ice cream. We eat plenty of healthy things. We're not junk food-aholics (well, my candy-addicted sister Caroline may be the exception to this), but we do like a little taste of something tasty every day. That's why dessert was invented, right?

3. What is the one, single food that you would never give up?

Garlic mashed potatoes. Mmmm... My sister's husband Jared makes the most amazing version of these.

4. What is your weirdest "quirk"?

That sounds more like a question for Daryl. Do we ever know what our own weirdest quirk is? Probably the hours I keep when I'm left to myself without a roommate or husband. When I don't have anything to get up for early in the morning I'll stay up until 3am and sleep in until 10 or 11am. See tonight's example, for instance... I realize this is not normal (or very healthy) for someone my age. Time to be a grown-up, Courtney. After the Olympics, though. Really.

I also would always rather read a paperback book than a hardback one. Occasionally people give me really nice hardback books as gifts, and my inner response is usually, "Uh... this is hard to read." I do 99% of my pleasure reading on a plane, a beach, or in bed before I fall asleep. Novels are easy to hold; hardback books are cumbersome. They also feel too pretentious to me. If I can't underline or write in the margins, I need a less fussy form of book.

5. What's your favorite movie?

Miracle. You can't be a hockey fan and not like Miracle. One of my favorite things about it (besides the fact that it is so true to the original story) is that most of the team was played by hockey players trained to act rather than actors trained to play hockey. The skills are all there, and it's great to watch. Also, how amazing is Kurt Russel at becoming Herb Brooks? Holy cow. It was so accurate it was eerie. And awesome.

6. What was your favorite toy as a kid?

I had an old wooden rocking horse with a yarn mane that I named "Hazel Horse" (my grandparents lived in a town called Hazelhurst, which I'm sure was my inspiration). I probably logged a thousand rocking miles on that horse. I also had a yellow teddy bear named "Yellow Bear" (not that creative, I'll admit) and a pink fluffy one named "Snuggle Bear." One was skinny and one was fat, and they went everywhere with me. I still have them back at my parents' house, and though they're both very worn and missing lots of stuffing, their smell still brings me back to childhood. I loved those bears. We had lots of adventures.

7. Do you like school?

I must like it at least a little bit; I'm currently in my 20th year of it...

8. What do you think is the most useless class in high school?

Health class. Teenagers already know how to wash their hands, thanks. Plus, if they're addicted to junk food a lecture on the food pyramid is certainly not going to change anything (see question one...).

9. What's your favorite day of the year?

Christmas. And then Easter. The older I get the more I fall in love with Easter. It just doesn't get better than remembering that Christ is risen!

10. Last person you argued with?

I had a very small mini-argument (a discussion, really) with the professor who is directing the seminary's spring play. I play a character who has a lengthy and flirtatious encounter with a soldier. During this encounter I am holding a 15-pound goose in a bag (long story - come see The Caucasian Chalk Circle at the seminary on April 8, 9, 10, or 11, and it will all make sense). I wanted to put the goose down to flirt (I don't feel all that flirtatious while holding a massive goose), but I was overruled by both the director and the soldier with whom I am flirting. In retrospect, they were right and I was wrong. It's awkward to put the goose down, so I'll hold that massive goose, darn it. 

Alrighty, on to watching the Olymp--... wait, seriously? Did they just tell me who placed where in the men's downhill? BEFORE showing it? So now there's no point in watching? Brilliant, NBC. 

I'm off to bed.