On Missing Him

Inspired by my friend, Nish.

This is my Daryl. We've been married for over three years, and I love him more with each one.

We're counting down the days (only 38 now!) until we live together again, when I graduate from my M.Div. program and move to Tennessee with him.

The distance has been terrible. On the phone last night with Daryl I finally found words to describe why it feels so painful. "It's just... unnatural." That's the best way I can describe it. We're married. We love one another. We enjoy each day of our life together, and yet we're spending this year apart. It's absurd, really.

I realize that I am far more blessed than many. I have friends in the military who spend months or even years away from loved ones. But for us, being apart during this year has been hard. Just plain hard.

When I broke my ankle in high school it ached. It didn't hurt that acutely, it just ached. And after a few days of aching, it began to wear me down. Until I had surgery to repair it, nothing made it better. No painkillers or ice or positioning up on a chair took much of the ache away. It just ached, and every once in awhile the ache would be so long-lasting that I would just break down and cry in a choir practice room at school or in my room at home. The ache hadn't become stronger, it just never stopped, and this was exhausting.

In a way, this is what this year has felt like. I don't miss Daryl acutely most of the time. I'm not in terrible emotional pain. I won't die from missing him or "take to the bottle" as some Eagle River folks might say. Yet the ache is always present, and nothing really helps. Distractions help for a little while. Writing papers, rehearsing for the play, traveling to Chicago for meetings, all of these help a little. Morning "I love you" emails from him help a little. Phone calls late at night help; praying together before we go to sleep helps. But the ache is always present. My sorrows are deeper because I cannot share them with Daryl in person. My celebrations are more muted because he is not here to rejoice with me. The dinners I cook are usually haphazard because I often eat them alone. Nothing says "I'm living the life of a single graduate student again" like the dinner I ate last night of guacamole, tortilla chips, and (microwaved) scrambled eggs.

I turned in my PIF (the PCUSA's ministry application) earlier today. It's been a long road to get to the point where I am allowed to do this, so it was a big (okay, HUGE) accomplishment. I called Daryl to share the news, and he celebrated with me. But what I wanted was a "yay! you did it!" hug. A big Daryl bear-hug of congratulations. And I will get it, though I will have to wait another week first. Like I said - it's hard being apart.

Still, God has met us in incredible ways this year. When I met with my Presbytery in Chicago this week, several folks commented that I seemed to have a "new maturity" they didn't see in me last year. I think this is true for us both. After learning to depend on one another in marriage for our first years together, this year apart has taught us to be independent once again, while still relying on each other for support and encouragement. I have a greater sense of self and identity after living through this year. I know more about who I am and what I want, and more about following after Jesus even when my heart aches each moment.

Since this is intended to be a post about Daryl and not about me, here are ten things I love, love, love about him (and also reasons why I can't wait for May!).

1. He is joyful.

2. He is brilliant.
One of the reasons I began to fall in love with Daryl was because I couldn't beat him in an argument. He stood his ground, and he had support to back up his claims. I was fascinated by his mind, and I still am. During my final readiness review at the Presbytery my committee asked me several theological questions and then remarked at how poised and calm I was in my answers. "Well, I do live with a theologian," I said. "We do this over dinner." This is true. And I love it. I'm never, ever bored in our conversations, and there's always something new that's piqued his interest from his reading or writing that he wants to share. This isn't limited to theology, either. There's philosophy, sociology, biblical history, anthropology, and biology floating around in his head, too. He definitely makes for a great road-tripping partner.

3. He is practical.
 I've mentioned this before, but Daryl is the catalyst that makes me go to sleep. One of the worst habits I've developed in his absence is staying up until all hours of the night and dragging my feet on the way to bed. Daryl doesn't think like this. He's mister, "Well, it's time for bed." When we are together he actually brings me my toothbrush as a way to make me head for bed. He knows that once I have to get up and spit, I'll head to bed on my own. It's brilliant, really.

4. He is thoughtful.
I've written before about Daryl's incredible kindness in flying out last minute to rescue our cat. What husband flies hundreds of miles to force-feed a cat? Mine does.

5. He loves Jesus.
Daryl once admitted to me that before he officially decided to marry me, he had one big hurdle to get over. He knew that if he married me, I would follow after Jesus and always, always, always encourage him to do the same. Things that were harder for him, like tithing, would be done because I would encourage them. After we became engaged, I had the same sorts of feelings. Not that either of us was in danger of losing our faith, but marrying someone who is passionate about following Christ is another safeguard our lives of faith. When we are too exhausted to pray, we have someone to pray on our behalf. When we have doubts or concerns, someone is around to help answer them. This was my most basic criteria for a husband, and Daryl meets it 200%.

6. He can cook!
Boy, do I miss this... I grew up with a father and mother who both cooked (and well!), so sharing responsibilities in the kitchen is a sure way to my heart. Cooking me dinner is an even surer way, and when we're together he does this often.

7. He is hilarious.
 I miss not being able to fall asleep because we're lying in bed laughing together. Often when one of us has had a bad day and are talking about it, we'll just dissolve into laughter. I mean, think about it, how many bad days are really funny when it comes right down to it? So many times we begin with frustration or irritation and end in giggles.

8. He is giving.


9. He loves sports.
This might sound a little silly, but I grew up with sports on the television often. My Dad is a great lover of sports (according to my mom, he'll "watch anything with a ball"). So to marry someone who is much the same makes me feel really at home. Depending on the season our Saturdays are full of football, college basketball, World Cup games, NBA basketball, or the occasional baseball or hockey game. And I do now what I did as a kid - find something to busy myself with (crochet and crosswords if I'm relaxing, schoolwork if I'm not), and sit with the man of the house. Despite myself I'm almost becoming a fan, too...


10. He loves me. 
He really does. Not just on paper. Not just a little. The first thing I do when I wake up is pray. Dietrich Bonhoeffer in his book Life Together writes about the importance of giving God the first and last words in a day, and I agree. So I pray, asking the Lord for guidance, thanking God for waking me up to a brand new day. And then I think about how blessed I am to have such a husband, and how much I can't wait to live with him again... Soon. Very, very soon.

I'll just make it.