Thankful

It's been a rough re-entry to Princeton after this year's Los Angeles pilgrimage for many reasons...

It took me nearly 24 hours to get home after being bumped from a flight on which I already had a boarding pass (thanks, United).

It took me 24 more hours to get my suitcase, when they sent to Newark after flying me to Philadelphia (thanks again, United).

Upon my arrival home to my apartment, bleary-eyed and exhausted, I discovered two things:

1) There was a leak in our ceiling, and the ceiling had become soaked, smelly, and moldy over 1/3 of the bedroom.

2) Our Internet was down. And didn't come back on for days.

Needless to say, the above things, when combined, were enough to make me quite cranky. And when I'm cranky, I usually just need to go to sleep. Which I did. But then I woke up and the ceiling was still leaking and the Internet was still down and my suitcase... well, you get the picture. If sleep doesn't cure the cranky, sometimes gratitude can.

So here's what I'm grateful for now, today, after a difficult re-entry and a long semester of separation.

1. Difficult Lessons. Yes, I'm thankful for the lessons of this year. This year I've learned that I am stronger than I ever thought. I've killed my own spiders, taken my car in to get it fixed, done all of the housework while still working two jobs and going to school full-time. I've reached out to old friends and made new ones. I've taken responsibility for my health and stopped eating wheat and gluten entirely. I've served on-call at the hospital overnight on my own. I've gotten myself out of bed on mornings where Daryl would have had to pry me out with a crowbar, had he been around. I've been independent and married together, held the two in tension, and worked to strengthen my marriage even from a distance. I've learned that I need Jesus desperately, and that when nothing makes the ache of missing Daryl go away, there is nothing to do but feel that pain and live through it, moment by moment.

2. Uncertainty. Yes, I'm thankful for uncertainty. This is the way I learn to trust God. Next year I'm not sure where I'll be working. I hope and pray for a job as a minister, but in many ways that is out of my hands and in God's. When I don't remember this, I become anxious. When I do remember it, I am at peace. God is the God of our uncertainty as well as of our joy and hope. God is bigger than my uncertainty, and stronger than my unknown future. I don't like uncertainty very much, but I'm grateful for it.

3. The Fact That Seasons Have Ends. I remember once, in undergrad, I was struggling with a time of real sadness. Over dinner with Daryl (who I wasn't dating at the time), he told me that "we all go through seasons." Oddly enough, this had never really struck me before. To me, emotions and difficult times often feel as though they will never end. If I'm sad today and tomorrow, who's to say I won't be sad forever? But this is not the way our lives usually work. And he was right - in another week or two, the sadness, which turned out to be mostly a product of final exams, little sleep, and a romantic breakup, had lifted.

I'm thankful that this season of separation from Daryl is nearly at its end. I could only endure it for a season, and that season ends May 4. And it will usher in a new season of life - Nashville, a new job (I hope!), a new place to live, a new season of marital togetherness. Praise Jesus.

4. The Play. The seminary is putting on "The Caucasian Chalk Circle" on April 8-11. And it's going to be awesome. And it is so, so, so, so fun to spend my evenings rehearsing, singing, acting, and generally remembering what it's like to do something just for the fun of it with twenty other people. After sitting at work or studying all day, it's pretty amazing to remember that I am capable of more than typing, reading, and emailing...

5. My Princeton Friends. I will miss these folks. I've made incredible, dear, wonderful friends during my time at seminary. Many of them are graduating and leaving, too, which makes it easier to graduate and move on myself. But this is a wonderful community. Princeton's married housing, affectionately known as "CR-Dub," is a little microcosm of Christian community. People have barbeques together, fold each other's laundry, hang out on each other's porches. Probably half of my girl-time I spend walking around the neighborhood with friends, just talking. It's free, it's exercise, and it's healing to my soul.

6. My Cattens. Yes, I love them. Yes, we call them the cattens. Eliot is usually "Ells-bells," and Kenyon is usually "Kenny-ken-ken."

7. Sleep. When I got overtired as a teenager (and cranky as a result), my mom would tell me, kindly, that I just needed sleep. I always found this condescending and annoying. I was practically an adult! I could take care of my own needs! How dare she say I just needed sleep! Then, I would go to bed and realize that yes, I did just need sleep. It can cure a lot of things. And, thanks be to God, a new day brings with it newness and hope. Without Daryl around I struggle to go to bed on time (or some nights, before 3am...). I'm working on this. So tonight, at 12:01am, I am off to bed, because sleep is a gift, and I'm going to untie its bow, rip off its wrapping paper, and crawl into bed.

'Night all.